I’m scared my parents will reject my daughter

QOur eldest daughter is a lesbian and is moving in with her girlfriend, and I am dreading telling my parents. As a child I never felt wanted or loved by them. They idolised my elder brother but I was constantly criticised and told that I would never be good at anything. I am now 49 and still feel as if I am seeking their approval, even though I have a responsible job, a lovely husband and two wonderful grown-up daughters. Visits to see them can still have me breaking down in tears afterwards because they criticise everything I do. Until now, we have said nothing to my parents about our daughter because they are very religious and I know they will think it shameful and wrong. I feel it is none of their business but my daughter says that they will find out anyway and if I don’t tell them, she will feel as though I am ashamed of her as well, which is absolutely not true. I adore my daughter and we think her partner is fabulous – kind, funny and calm – and so good for her. But I want to protect her from the kind of emotional abuse and disapproval that I suffered from all through my childhood and I fear that if I say anything, my parents may be so angry that they will never want to see her again. She says she doesn’t care but it would create such a rift.

QI’m feeling very bleak at the prospect of another year stuck in my marriage of nearly 35 years. I love my husband; he is a dedicated family man who is generous and kind, but he has become so boring. His demanding, stressful job means that we don’t spend much time together and he has no hobbies nor real friends of his own – he leaves all that to me. Perhaps worse, he is due to retire in the summer and I fear that we will have nothing in common and just sit staring at each other without being able to think of anything to say. We have a lovely home and our children and grandchildren live nearby. I feel like running away but, of course, I can’t.

ADon’t panic. He may have become a little institutionalised at work and perhaps depressed, so ask him about this and whether he is worried about retirement. I expect that because you have spent so much time apart and his emphasis has mostly been on his job, it may be that you have become like strangers. But he clearly has some qualities that you love, and I am sure that this can be turned into a new opportunity. You need to learn to communicate with him again. Tell him honestly but gently that you are bored and that you think he must be too, but you really want to make the most of your new life together. Ask him what he dreams of doing and find some goals of your own to pursue. Make sure that they are challenging and outside your comfort zone then insist that he does some of them with you. Hopefully, a shared sense of adventure will bring you closer.

AI can see how torn you are and I completely understand you wanting to protect your own family, but I think that your daughter is right. If things are kept in the dark, even with the best of motives, your daughter could indeed feel as though you are not comfortable with her sexuality, which is clearly not the case. Remember that your daughter is not you. You have been so bullied by your parents that you are unable to stand up to them and are afraid of offending them, but despite your upbringing, you have raised your daughters with the love and support that you wish you had received, which will make her more resilient than you. She may not care if she sees her grandparents again – quite frankly, it doesn’t sound like much of a loss. What you need to do when you tell them, perhaps with your daughter, and definitely with your husband, is make sure that you don’t sound apologetic. Make it clear that you are proud of your daughter and happy for her and her partner. If they get angry, tell them that you are appalled by their views and that you do not wish to see them if they can’t accept the situation. It is high time that you took some control in this relationship. Try reading

Dr Susan Forward which I think will help you. by

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MY HUSBAND IS ABOUT TO RETIRE… AND I’M DREADING IT

‘I want to protect her from the same emotional abuse I received’