Their bitter divorce is affecting the children

QMy son and his wife split up over a year ago and I am worried about the effect it may have on their two children. It was a very acrimonious separation as he had met someone else (who is lovely and he is still with). However, his ex-wife was very controlling, criticised him constantly and complained that he worked long hours, even though she was happy to spend his money on going to lunch with her friends and getting beauty treatments. To be honest, we were surprised their marriage lasted so long. His ex-wife now refuses to have anything to do with him. She tried to stop him from seeing their children, who are 12 and eight, but he won joint custody. When she takes them back to his house, she refuses to speak to him and just hands them over like a bag of washing. My elder grandson is now saying that he doesn’t like going to his mum’s as all she does is complain about his father. I am concerned about this. Can the children survive this situation?

AI understand your concerns. Parents separating is always hard for the children and unfortunately this is usually made worse when the split is acrimonious. Sadly, it sounds as though your son’s ex-wife is very

QI have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and I love him very much. I think he feels the same way, but he has never said it. He knows that I love him as I tell him all the time. I want us to move in together and get married, but will this ever happen? How can I be sure that he wants to commit?

AYou say that you ‘feel’ he loves you, but sadly this is not enough. It may be that he comes from a family that isn’t openly affectionate or emotional, so he is not used to expressing his feelings. Do you think that his parents or siblings say that they love each other, for instance? Alternatively, it may be that he isn’t

as into you as you are him, which of course would be very upsetting. You need to know, so ask him directly. Tell him that it makes you so sad that he never says he loves you. Ask him to be completely honest with you. If he doesn’t love you, although it would be incredibly painful in the short term, it would be better to know and end the relationship. If he does love you, then he needs to be able to say it, so explain to him gently how important this is to you. Don’t be fobbed off with ‘yes, of course I do’. Regarding marriage, you don’t say how old you are. If you are both in your 20s, then your boyfriend might not feel ready for this commitment. If, however, you are in your 30s, then you will probably be thinking about having children. So pluck up courage and ask him how he sees the future of the relationship. Then at least you know where you stand. bitter. She is taking revenge on your son because he left her for someone else and she is so caught up in her own feelings that she is not thinking about their children. As she is controlling, it may be that your son didn’t confront her much during the marriage, but he could try to talk to her now. When the kids aren’t around, he should explain very gently that he is sorry she is hurt but her anger isn’t helping them and they both need to put the children first. He needs to do this without getting angry or justifying himself – he should just think about what he wants to achieve from the conversation. If she refuses to talk to him, is there someone else who she will listen to – perhaps a member of her family or a mutual friend of your son and his ex-wife? They could gently tell her that her eldest son is saying he doesn’t like visiting her because of her negativity. It would also be a good idea to ask her if she would be willing to try mediation, which would help both of them work towards a more amicable solution regarding the children. Your son could set this up via the Legal Aid Board (legalaidboard.ie). It is reassuring that your son’s new partner is lovely, as at least the children have a good, stable home for half the time, which will really help them.

CONTACT ZELDA Write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email z.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Zelda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL

HOW DO I KNOW IF HE LOVES ME?

His ex tried to stop him from seeing them, but he won joint custody