My new boyfriend has moved back in with his ex during lockdown

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I met a lovely man about a month before lockdown. We were taking it slowly and our relationship was going really well. We are in our late 40s and both divorced with children. However, while my teenagers of 15 and 17 are living with me (and video-calling their dad), my boyfriend has moved back in with his ex to be with his children. While I completely understand, I can’t help worrying. He says they’re friends but that there are no romantic feelings and haven’t been for a while. But what if they are rekindled? I know that extreme situations can bring people closer. What if being back together and looking after their children during such difficult times makes them fall in love again? He says he is sleeping in the spare room but I’m worried that they’re missing sex and can’t resist temptation. Or perhaps his ex isn’t over him and will try to win him back? He has been video-calling me a couple of times a day but my thoughts keep spiralling. I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to seem needy or jealous.

It’s a very delicate situation because your relationship is so new. It needs sensitivity to know how to play it. You say in your longer letter that you hadn’t yet discussed any deep feelings for each other or had sex yet. However, you also say that on your last

I’m 65 and my husband is 68. Nearly 20 years ago I had a brief affair which I regretted. At the time, my husband was working long hours and I hardly saw him. Our children were in their mid-teens, very difficult and I got no help. I felt invisible and I was flattered by a man who promised me the moon, but when our affair was discovered he dropped me like a hot stone. My husband was furious but eventually things improved. Now, however, he has suddenly brought it all up again and is just as furious as he was when he first discovered it. He goes on about it, telling me that our marriage has been a lie all these years. I love him and it is so hurtful.

AYour husband is acting as though the affair was all your fault but it wasn’t. Affairs usually have two sides and, while it was perhaps the wrong decision, it is easy to see why you fell for someone else when you were being neglected at home. It might be that he is bringing it all up now because, as he faces getting older, he is reassessing his life and thinking about the things he regrets. Or it might be that, though your marriage survived, you papered over the cracks rather than rebuilding it. If your relationship is not as strong as it could be, he may be wondering if you ever really loved him. Tell him gently but firmly that you love him very much and it is not fair to keep blaming you for something that happened years ago. I recommend counselling with either Accord (accord.ie) or the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (iacp.ie). meeting when you knew lockdown might happen, he told you that he would really miss you and that he hoped you could continue to get to know each other while you are apart. He’s been equally warm and considerate by video link. He sounds like a really nice guy and I think you probably have to trust what he says – that he and his ex are just as he describes: co-parents and good friends but no longer romantically interested in each other. Yes, people in extreme situations can bond together, but also people thrown into enforced closeness 24 hours a day could really get on each other’s nerves. It could just as easily remind them of all the reasons why they split as well as the reasons they were once together. And remember that you and he are also coping with difficult times. Keep it light and I don’t think it will sound needy if you mention to him that you can’t help worrying he and his ex might fall in love again (though if that happens you must accept it). It could even be an opportunity to open up deeper discussions between you. Everyone’s emotions and anxieties are at extremes at the moment so, as long as you have light-hearted times too, talking about your fears, people you love, how your children are coping, work and money worries is very normal and can only strengthen your relationship.

WILL MY HUSBAND EVER FORGIVE ME

FOR MY AFFAIR?

He’s sleeping in the spare room, but I worry they

will miss sex