‘IF I HAD UNDERSTOOD DOMESTIC ABUSE I’D HAVE LEFT BEFORE HE GOT HIS CLUTCHES INTO ME’
Domestic abuse thrives on isolation so Michelle – in a German village with minimal language and no friends or family around her – was vulnerable from the start. Her partner changed almost immediately. ‘He’d told me he loved my sparkiness and spontaneity but that wasn’t true – he wanted the opposite,’ she says. ‘He was so organised and particular. He told me how useless I was at the most basic things, that I was stupid, repulsive. There were a million rules for me and none for him.’
When their son was born, this escalated.
‘It’s a bit like workplace bullying – each incident alone sounds pathetic but cumulatively it’s devastating. When we’d first met, I’d been brave, mouthy, confident – now I felt confused. Instead of fighting back, I tried to make things better and smooth everything out.’
Their first family Christmas is a typical example. ‘He was very controlling around finances and gave me a Christmas allowance, which I’d spent on food and presents,’ says Michelle. ‘On Christmas Eve we went to buy a tree – he expected it to come from my allowance, which was all gone. He was so angry that he didn’t speak to me again for three days. On 27 December, our son’s first birthday, we had visitors and they noticed all the presents under the tree still unopened.’
Month by month, his control tightened. When he left for work, after disconnecting the phone (this was before mobiles) he’d take the car keys, leaving Michelle isolated in the snowy German winter. He did not attack his wife, though an underlying threat was always lurking. ‘He’d get hold of my arm and throw me out of the kitchen if I’d stacked the dishwasher the wrong way, or he’d pick our 14-month-old son out of the high chair and throw him on to the bed for “eating like a pig”,’ she says. ‘Sometimes, he’d bring a gun home from work and sleep with it on the bedside table. I can remember at one point wanting him to hit me so that I would know for sure that what he was doing was wrong.
‘If he was violent, I’d have something to tell people, instead of “he ignored me because I folded his clothes badly”.’
It was only when Michelle did mention some of her husband’s behaviour to a local couple that she knew for sure it was unacceptable. ‘They told me that this wasn’t right; it was very wrong,’ she says. Eventually, Michelle moved into this couple’s home before leaving Germany and raising her son alone. Ten years later, while applying for a job in the domestic abuse sector and reading up on the definition, Michelle realised that she’d been a victim herself. ‘It had left a deep wound but, back then, there was much less awareness. No one spoke about controlling partners or coercive control. I hope that’s changing.’ Michelle now works for a domestic abuse charity that puts the voices of survivors at the heart of what it does.
One of those survivors is Sarah*, 35. Sarah’s relationship followed a familiar pattern. At first her partner – someone she’d met through work – was charming and attentive. After two dates, he declared his love; within four months they were living together and in six months Sarah was pregnant.
‘It felt like it was meant to be,’ she says. ‘But before our daughter had been born, he started to plant little seeds, criticising my friends and family, telling me I shouldn’t be going to certain places. I wanted it to work so much; I was terrified of being a single parent.’
After the birth, life became much harder. ‘He’d tell me that I was useless, that I wasn’t coping,’ says Sarah. There were rules she had to follow – from her socialising to her appearance. ‘I had to dress very conservatively and my hair changed from blonde to brunette.’
Sarah left the relationship when she saw her partner treating their 18-month-old daughter the way he treated her – shouting in her face to ‘shut the f*** up’.
He soon began to stalk Sarah, parking outside her new apartment, appearing anywhere she happened to be (she later discovered he’d put a tracker on her car). He also began to threaten her with 13 hours of intimate footage he’d recorded when they were still together without her knowledge. He sent some of this footage to her father. When she approached her ex’s former partner – the woman he’d been with before Sarah – she discovered he had abused her too, and even strangled her. Sarah went to the police, her partner was charged and convicted of stalking and served 26 weeks in prison. It led Sarah to join the police herself.
‘People think that domestic abuse is new,’ she says, ‘but abusers were here before lockdown and they’ll be here after. It has increased the risk by stripping back the safe places like work or the GP’s surgery. How can you phone a helpline when your partner is in the room? How can you ask for help when you need to stay two metres away from everyone else?’
Many organisations have published specific guidance for women in fear during lockdown. Women’s Aid has an online chat and Refuge has a webform with a quick exit button that takes you back to Google.
Women’s Aid also recommends that anyone in immediate danger should contact their local Garda station or call 999/112.
For the rest of us, for friends and neighbours, there is advice on how to help. Communities delivering food and supplies in the pandemic should also be alert to signs of domestic abuse and reach out with a simple, ‘Are you OK?’
If we don’t all look, we won’t see.
Traditional Chinese Medicine has lasted thousands of years and has its own tips and techniques for keeping the complexion bright and the skin tight. The ancient Chinese did not have the science and research to describe the balance of collagen and elastin in the skin. However beautiful, fresh, glowing skin was believed to be a reflection of healthy qi or energy, while wrinkles or blemishes on the face were believed to represent disharmony in the body.
Drawing on this ancient wisdom, facial acupuncture, facial acupressure, facial cupping and gua sha are recognised more and more in modern beauty regimes as non-invasive gamechangers for feeling and looking good.
Facial gua sha has been described as the miracle natural face lift, Eastern Botox and the original form of at-home self-care.
So what is it and how can you add it to your skin care regime from home?
Originally used for its health benefits, gua sha has become famous in recent years for its beauty benefits. The term itself is defined in two parts: ‘gua’ for scraping and ‘sha’ for redness of the skin.
For the face it is carried out with gua sha tools, which come in various shapes and sizes and are made from gemstones: jade, rose quartz and lapis. Acupuncturist and herbalist Amanda Nordell is a facial gua sha pro and she tells us the most important aspect of getting results is the technique and mechanism of the gua sha tool, not the type of tool.
She also advises that gua sha can be carried out with a jar lid or a ceramic spoon to equally good effect.
‘Rubbing the skin is thought to increase microcirculation in the face, increase and improve lymphatic drainage, reduce puffiness, reduce fine lines and wrinkles, tone muscles and lift jowls,’ she reveals.
Small scale studies have shown gua sha does increase blood circulation and blood volume can speed up collage production.
Also, it feels so good and can be easily done from the comfort of your couch.
General guidelines for good results include keep the tool close to the skin at a 15-degree angle, use long pulling strokes, the general direction is up and out, and always start and finish with the neck. Wiggle the gua sha tool at the end of the stroke into the hairline to promote drainage. Avoid areas of broken skin, broken veins or moles, and drink plenty of water before and after.
MORE SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDE:
Clean your face and apply an oil-based serum — this is to facilitate the slip or move of the gua sha tool.
Stroke down the neck – usually start with five strokes for each area, though this can be increased or decreased as needed.
Stroke across the jawline starting in the centre at the chin moving to under the ear.
Next from the corner of the mouth to the ear, then across the cheek bone to the ear.
Gua sha tools are made from gemstones including jade,
rose quartz and lapis