I want a sex life… and she doesn’t

QMy wife and I are in our 60s and mostly get on well. However, since she went through the menopause over a decade ago, she has changed beyond all recognition and most of our arguments have been about our sex life. It can be summed up as: she doesn’t want one and I do. The compromises we both made to try to find some middle ground sexually didn’t really satisfy either of us but at least we were trying to address the problem. Now we don’t even bother. On the infrequent occasions we had sex, it was lights out, do the deed – always in the same position – and jump off. She wouldn’t even let me touch her breasts when we were having sex. Now she won’t undress in front of me or let me see her naked. We rarely holds hands, we don’t even have a kiss on my birthday. I find her very cold emotionally and this has all begun to weigh heavily on me, dampen my joy in life and I feel as though I’m in a rut. I no longer find her sexually attractive as what’s the point? It’s like living with my sister. I don’t know where to go from here as I seem to be making all the concessions with nothing from her. She’s got everything she wants and I’ve got nothing. Before lockdown I started to become close to another woman. Should I call it a day and end my marriage? I could then ask the other woman out. This would remove any sexual pressure on my wife as well as giving me a partner who is emotionally warmer.

QYOU’S RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

My mother is 88 and in poor health. She is frail, suffers from arthritis and has difficulty getting out of a chair. The doctor thinks she might have had a small stroke a while ago and possibly has dementia. My brother and I helped to look after her with carers also coming in, but she didn’t like them. We stopped the carers visiting, but since her first hospital admission last year she has been readmitted several times for infections or falls. My mum has had a hard life. She was an illegitimate child who was fostered by an unloving family and also lived in children’s homes. She only met her mother once and never met her father. I want to help but I feel hurt when she says that I do not know what it is like to suffer like she has and that I don’t understand.

AIt is terribly hard to see someone who you love so sad and in pain. However, though you and your brother are clearly loving and kind, looking after someone who is elderly and ill is very tough and you can’t do it full time. It will take its toll on you mentally and physically and this will also impact all of the other people you love. I know your mum doesn’t particularly want carers, but it doesn’t sound as if she is safe alone so you may have to insist on this. It wouldn’t be easy for her but she would get used to it and perhaps you and your brother could share looking after her some of the time but get carers in for the rest. It may be that she needs to go into a home before too long. Meanwhile, try not to be hurt by what she says. No one can ever truly understand what someone else has been through, but if she says it aggressively, remember that this is probably the dementia talking and not her. Contact alzheimer.ie for more information and support for you and your brother.

AYou clearly can’t go on like this. You must both be miserable. Your sex life (now nonexistent) sounded totally joyless and must have been unsatisfying at best but also awful for her, having sex only out of duty. But while you have been arguing about sex, how much have you been talking about the relationship? You say that ‘she’s got everything she wants and I’ve got nothing’ but could it be that she also feels desperately sad that the emotional closeness is no longer what it was? When the sexual side falls apart, the emotional side is also lost and vice versa. Was the relationship good before the menopause or could it have been that she was already unhappy and saw it as an excuse to stop having sex? Could she have body-image issues so hates being seen naked? Talk to your wife gently and explain how unhappy you are. Tell her it’s not just the sex – it is all the emotional intimacy that goes with it and how unloved you feel without any closeness. Ask her if she is unhappy too and if she will come to counselling with you (contact Accord at accord.ie). It might be too late – maybe love has died on both sides – but counselling is not just about saving marriages, sometimes it is about helping couples part. Just a word of caution regarding this other woman. It is understandable that you have developed feelings for someone else, but if you decide to end the marriage, do so because you are sure it is over, not for someone else, which can cloud the issue.

CONTACT ZELDA Write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email z.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Zelda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL

MY ELDERLY MOTHER REFUSES TO HAVE CARERS

We rarely hold hands, don’t kiss and she won’t let me see her naked