HE’S GRIEVING, BUT HIS CONSTANT CALLS ARE TOO MUCH

QBoth my in-laws sadly died recently aged just 75. My husband, 51, organised their funerals and cleared their houses (they were divorced). He says that he is doing ‘fine’, and is sad but coping. However, his brother, who’s 55, is phoning multiple times a day, sobbing and saying he cannot cope. My husband suggested he speak to his GP, but his brother replied, ‘Don’t tell me what to do, just listen.’ He is married with three adult sons, two of whom still live with him. I’m getting to the stage where I want to put my husband’s phone on silent. He is still dealing with his mother’s estate – piles of paperwork and long delays because of Covid. What can we do to help his brother?

AI’m sorry. This is so sad for your husband and his brother – and for you. It’s a tricky situation because your husband wants to support his brother but his needs are too much. Your brother-in-law may just want someone to listen – often grieving people simply want to talk, and anger is normal – but I think he might need some professional help. The difficulty is getting him to accept this. Ultimately, your husband needs to tell him as gently as possible that, while he is happy to listen, he is finding the constant phone calls distressing. He could say that he wants to offer support but that his brother needs more help than he can give. Could you also involve his wife and together explain that he seems depressed and should see his GP? You can get further support from Better Help (betterhelp.com).