IS HE TOO NICE TO BE GOOD IN BED?

QI’m in my 30s and for the past six months I’ve been dating a lovely man. He’s kind, clever, funny and almost perfect except for one thing – he’s pretty average in bed. I can’t help comparing him with my ex, who was not particularly nice but with whom I ended up staying for four years because the sex was so amazing. I can’t help wondering if my new man is just too gentle to be good in bed. Do I have to choose between an average sex life with someone nice or a volatile man who is sexually exciting?

ANo, you don’t. Actually, very few people are intrinsically bad in bed. If a sex life is a bit lacklustre it’s often a combination of inexperience and an excess of politeness. Perhaps your boyfriend has not had many lovers or maybe, growing up, his family were prudish and so he is afraid to let go. You’re probably too scared of upsetting him to say anything. But the only way through this, I’m afraid, is to tell him what you like in bed. Whatever you do, don’t mention the previous boyfriend, but perhaps explain that sometimes in bed it feels as if he’s nervous and you’d like a more confident approach. When you make love, try to move his hands (or other parts of his body) to wherever you want them or to suggest new positions. Sex in loving relationships tends to get better as you grow to know what each other likes. However, if you can’t get over the initial hurdles, you could try sex therapy: accord.ie or fettle.ie. He sounds like a keeper so don’t give up.

CONTACT CAROLINE Write to Caroline West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email c.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Caroline reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL