HE DOESN’T WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO ME ANY MORE
QMy husband hasn’t said anything but, gradually, sex has become less and less frequent – and now it’s been over six months since we made love. He is still kind and thoughtful and we get on well, but he never seems to show any interest in me physically. I think it’s because I’m fat and he doesn’t fancy me. I’m not surprised. I put on a couple of stone over the last few years because I was stressed looking after my mother, who had dementia. She died nearly a year ago and I’m slowly recovering, but I’m in my early 60s and I can’t shift the weight. I feel terrible about myself. Christmas overindulgence made things worse and I’ve already broken all my New Year’s resolutions. I can’t face the gym and I find myself comforteating chocolate.
AI am so sorry about your mum. Dementia is cruel and I suspect the stress and grief may have left you depressed. But I am also sorry that you feel bad about yourself. It’s sad when women hate their bodies or their appearance. Often this also manifests in wearing unflattering clothes. They feel it won’t make a difference and, particularly if there’s a self-punishing element, they feel undeserving. So you need to find a way to stop the negative self-talk. I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions or diets because they pile on the guilt. The only resolution that anybody should make is to be kind to as many people as possible – and that includes yourself. Instead of setting a weight-loss target, aim to get fit. Exercise should be fun and not a punishment. So perhaps go for walks in preference to the gym and make it something to look forward to.
Meet a friend, listen to an ebook or music, take a dog if possible. The exercise and fresh air will boost your mood, in turn making you feel better about yourself – and less likely to turn to comfort food. Regarding sex, don’t assume that having put on weight makes you less sexy. There are a lot of sexy women who are by no means sylphs and who embrace their curves. It is highly possible that your husband doesn’t mind the weight gain nearly as much as you do, but that because you feel unsexy you’re sending him signals that you’re not interested in making love. He may, of course, have his own reasons for not instigating lovemaking, such as stress,
I think it’s because I’m in my 60s and can’t shift the weight
Your husband may have his own reasons, such as stress
depression or performance anxiety to name a few. But you do need to have a conversation with him. Be brave and tell him how much you miss sex and how unattractive you feel. Ask if he can help you to get fitter and to address this gap in your romantic life together. Think about counselling (with accord.ie) either for yourself to raise your self-esteem or as a couple.