Paul Mescal
I can’t move without reading about that man. Women are obsessed!
Isn’t he dreamy?
So, you are a mad Mescalian, too.
Those eyes! Those arms! Those towelling socks!
Sorry?
Paul’s socks. In the Gucci ad [right]. Grrr!
Why are you making that peculiar noise?
That’s the noise women make when they think about Paul Mescal’s legs.
Not this woman. You’re referring, I think, to the advert where he’s wearing a vest but no trousers?
All the better to show off his…
Here we go…
…loafers.
Right. I thought for a horrible moment you’d moved further north.
What made you think that?
Maybe the fact that we seem forced to consider Mescal’s manhood on an almost daily basis.
Have you seen his new film Foe?
No, but I hear there’s plenty of Paul on display in that, too.
Absolutely. In fact, the sex scenes between him and co-star Saoirse Ronan are so steamy that director Garth Davis told The Times: ‘It didn’t feel like acting.’
That must have been cringey for the crew!
Not at all. Apparently, they all ‘fell into a bubble of intimacy’. I wish I could be in Paul’s intimacy bubble.
You need to get a grip.
Or an invite to Raya.
What’s Raya?
The by-invite-only dating app he is rumoured to be using.
I don’t want to rain on your parade but, given that most of the female population is after Paul, have you got a chance?
Hope springs eternal in the mind of the devoted.
And of the deluded.
You say that but X (Twitter) is buzzing with thoughts along similar lines. ‘I’m his future wife, he just doesn’t know it yet,’ wrote one fan. ‘God, if you are good, let me have this one,’ pleaded another.
Anyway, Paul would rather you focused on his art.
Not a problem, he looks great from behind, too.
Sorry, I misheard you. Why?
Because he’s tired of being objectified.
Who’s doing that?
People like you… and the woman who accosted him in a bar after seeing him in his breakout show Normal People
which launched in 2020.
What did she say?
‘I didn’t think the show was any good, but I saw your willy and I have a photo!’
Shocking.
What do you mean shocking? You growl every time I mention him.
It’s a growl of artistic appreciation. And I haven’t taken stalkerish screen shots of him.
So, you definitely weren’t one of the women trying to see up his slightly-too-short T-shirt at the Rugby World Cup quarterfinals?
Definitely not.
Not one of the social media obsessives replaying the footage while begging the bald man sitting in front of him to get out of the damn way!
ONE FAN TOLD HIM: ‘THE SHOW WASN’T ANY GOOD BUT I SAW YOUR WILLY’ Art!
Never. He looked far too pained at Ireland’s loss for that sort of lewdness.
Ah! You did watch the video!
I like rugby.
There’s no rugby in it. Just Paul Mescal… and a bald guy.
Shall we move on to Gladiator 2? It’s coming out next year and I, for one, am very excited about it.
Why’s that?
Because film exec Daria Cercek has revealed she did her research before casting him in the lead role.
At last, a chance for Paul to prove nice pecs don’t always seal the deal in Tinseltown. What did she do?
Saw him in a West End play with his top off, listened to the female audience members losing their minds and told Variety: ‘I think we’ve found our guy.’