Virtual fireplaces
You can’t virtually be a fireplace. You either are or you aren’t.
Virtual as in videos of fireplaces on the internet.
Oh, I see: for design inspo, elledecor.com says the full-height European ceramic stove is very winter 2024.
You aren’t buying a fireplace. You’re streaming one.
You’re suggesting that tomorrow, after Christmas dinner, I gather my relations in front of a roaring, crackling… video?
Exactly that.
In that case I must remember to be very careful as I lean on my virtual mantelpiece while we watch the soap Christmas specials.
There’s no need to be facetious.
I’d hate to mess up the arrangement of virtual festive greenery.
You can be as sniffy as you like but you’re out of step with the nation on this one. YouTube’s most popular fireplace video currently has 128 million views.
What’s it called: Great Balls of Fire? Ring of Fire?
Not even warm. aforementioned YouTube offering, which reads: ‘This video is loweffort garbage’.
So the full HD effect not cutting it for that punter?
That wasn’t all. ‘There’s no build-up, no wind-down, no highs or lows’ added the (under) heated critic.
Right. Although it’s hard to know what a film of the build-up to a fire should cover.
What do you mean?
even though they were definitely on the shopping list.
What does a nice, middle-class firelighter look like?
A little waxy nest that smells of organic beehives, called Ecoblaze. Yours for 15 quid a box.
As opposed to…
The cheap ones, which have a tendency to smoke and smell of petrol.
OK, let’s imagine our man behind the camera cuts out all the firelighterrelated action.
In which case you’d need footage of disappointingly charred newspaper balls with voices off-camera shouting things like: ‘I don’t know, Jeff, blow on it. I’m basting the turkey.’
It’s clear this isn’t an artistic form with which you’re familiar, because if you were, you’d know there are some genre-defining classics.
Are you telling me that there are successful virtual fireplace directors?
Not only that, there’s a crown prince of the order: George Ford.
And what are Ford’s greatest works?
Fireplace For Your Home:
Classic Edition and Fireplace For Your Home: Birchwood Edition. Both available on Netflix.
Anything else?
If you want celebrity-infused flames, then Netflix also has footage of the fire from drama series The Witcher. YouTube has a Cher-themed conflagration and Disney+ has a three-hour Frozen-themed offering.
Do we see Cher actually light the fire?
Sadly not – you can just hear her Christmas album in the background. But that’s not a bad idea now you come to mention it.
Are you suggesting the virtual fireplace might make the jump to the big screen? Why not? Let’s think outside the log basket on this one.
Stranger things have happened. In fact, I’ve just had a brilliant idea for my elevator pitch to the Tinseltown power players.
Go on... What, so big stars could command millions for striking the first match?
Fireplace: The Movie. Putting the wood back into Hollywood.