CAROLINE WEST-MEADS I THINK MY SISTER IS JEALOUS OF MY LIFE
OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS
QMy sister has lived in the US for 50 years. She is 72, I am 78. Many years ago, she married an American but they divorced when their son was young. She didn’t want to take him away from his father so she stayed in America. I know she’d have liked more children but sadly it didn’t happen, and her son decided not to have children so there are no grandchildren. I get the impression that she doesn’t see much of him and his partner. I think she is jealous of me and my life – I have been married for 54 years and have children, grandchildren, a good social life and nice holidays. She visited recently and I was looking forward to it as I hadn’t seen her for a few years, but she was confrontational and aggressive. We parted on bad terms and my husband never wants to see her again. I think she is lonely and unhappy, and probably worried about the future. I understand that and would like to support her but she has made it almost impossible. I did text to say that we were concerned about her, but all I got was a denial that she was irritable or angry. Ideally, I’d like an explanation or apology, but I know that won’t happen. I am worried that my relationship with her is beyond repair.
AThis is very sad. I think your sister does sound unhappy and lonely and she is probably suffering from depression, which can make people irritable and angry. Yes, it must be hard for her to see how different your life is, and she must also feel rejected by her only son. I wonder if she has always been quick to anger or to take offence; perhaps it’s why he keeps a distance. Or maybe she has become difficult because she is unhappy. Ideally, she should have counselling because she has had a lot of ‘loss’ – her marriage, her son and the children she couldn’t have – though she is unlikely to agree to this. It’s hard to give help to people who don’t want it. She is clearly proud and perhaps won’t admit that her life is not as she’d like. You have tried texting without success, but you could write her a letter. Tell her you feel sad you didn’t get on when she visited. Explain how much it upsets you and that she is your sister and you love her, that you want a relationship with her and would like to talk. Sadly, it is unlikely you will get an apology as people don’t like accepting that they are in the wrong, so
She was aggressive and we parted on bad terms
Maybe she has become difficult because she is unhappy
instead try to move things forward. Hopefully, she will respond, but if she doesn’t, try again in a couple of months. Perhaps set a time limit for how long you will keep trying. You have done all you can. Meanwhile, throw yourself into the rest of your family and life – don’t let this issue consume you. You are not responsible for her happiness and you need to protect yourself.