I’M WORRIED ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND’S HEALTH

QI’ve known my best friend since school and we are now in our early 60s. She didn’t have an easy childhood because her parents were quite cold and pushy. They always wanted her to be top of every subject at school and made their disappointment clear on the rare occasion when she wasn’t. They were delighted when she became a partner in a law firm at a young age and she has been very successful, partly because she is so driven. She married late but never had children, largely because of the pressure for career advancement. However, her husband (who is older) has been ill for a number of years and I think her job is getting too much for her. I feel she would like to quit – and she could afford to retire – but she says she’d be letting down her late mum and dad because she is only 62. (Her parents both worked until their mid-70s although in lower-key roles.) I’m worried about her health: she is overweight, has been complaining that she is always tired, even when she wakes up, and often has swollen ankles. How can I persuade her to put her own needs first before the stress kills her? We have been each other’s rock through life and I would be lost without her.

AIt’s so sad that your friend’s pushy parents have had such an impact on her that she is still trying to please them even after their death. Perhaps they had similarly exacting parents themselves or grew up in poverty and were determined their daughter would have a different life. Their demands have even deprived her of children. It does sound as if your friend needs to stop working so hard. But her career has been so important to her, she may find it hard to step back at first. Her work will be tied to her self-esteem and she could also miss the structure and routine. She might need professional help as well as your support to finally ‘allow’ herself to retire. She would benefit from seeing a counsellor who works psychodynamically (see iacp.ie). This approach looks at how our early years impact our present. Underneath her success, I’m sure, lie feelings of never being good enough.

Her weight is also a part of this – overeating often has its roots in emotional distress. Counselling would help her to unpick her own needs from the perceived wishes of her parents. It is also important that her GP investigates medical

She needs to put her own needs first before the stress kills her

Overeating often has its roots in emotional distress

conditions such as sleep apnoea. It won’t be easy persuading her to help herself, but remind her that if anything happens to her, she will not be able to look after her husband. Manipulative as it sounds, you can also use her desire to please others as leverage: tell her that you really don’t want to see her work herself into an early grave as you’d be lost without her.