MY FRIEND’S PARTNER USES HER AS A MEAL TICKET
QI have a friend I have known for 35 years. She is kind and generous – to everyone but herself. She comes from a loving family, is intelligent, has a good job, good friends, owns her own home, but has always had extremely low self-esteem. She is now in her early 50s and has been very overweight most of her life. The problem is she has always neglected her health and now has type 2 diabetes, which has begun to impact her sight and cause other issues. Recently, she was in intensive care, but has since returned to her mum – who is in her 80s – to be looked after. However, the difficulties don’t end there. She is soon due to go back to her own home and her partner – a horrid man who leeches off her. She never had a boyfriend until her mid-40s, so at first we were all pleased for her. However, it soon became clear that he was just using her as a meal ticket. He moved from his parents’ house to hers, doesn’t work or help at all, isn’t loving or kind and makes her pay for everything. He didn’t even visit her in hospital – apparently taking two buses would have been too expensive and too difficult. I have tried to talk to her, as have her family and other friends, but she just gets defensive.
AIt is hard watching someone you love make bad choices – and her health sounds like a big worry. It is also concerning that she will soon return to her partner who, you say in your longer letter, insists that she look after him when quite clearly he should be the one doing the caring. I wonder what is behind her lack of self-esteem, especially when she comes from such a loving family. Perhaps she was bullied at school or has successful siblings who have left her feeling second best. Alternatively, maybe one of her parents was anxious or lacking in self-confidence themselves, and this has left an imprint. She is in an abusive relationship, if not physically then emotionally and financially. Sadly, as she is so defensive when you suggest changes, there are no easy answers. So all you can do is listen and attempt to get her to a stage where she recognises the damage he is doing. Instead of cautioning against him, just ask gently how she feels about returning. You could ask if she was upset that he didn’t visit her in hospital or whether she feels anxious about all the housework she will have
She has low self-esteem and has neglected her health
This is an emotionally and financially abusive relationship
to do when she goes back. Ask her to tell you what she likes about having him around.
Please also contact organisations such as womensaid.ie or womenscollective.ie for help in supporting her. There might also be merit in counselling if you can persuade your friend to reach out. Please look after yourself, too – this is so stressful. Don’t let it consume you.