Make my toes curl

Reasons why Anna Pursglove is less than delighted at their return

that it hasn’t been cut to fit an actual human foot. In other words, it’s a temporary over-shoe. The footwear equivalent of the hairnet and with all the associated elegance. Avoid.

Now let us turn to the Mary Jane ballet flat, where I refer you to my previous comment about little girls going to see Frozen.

For some reason, already cognisant of the Mary Jane’s tendency to infantilise the wearer with its single strap, designers seem to lean further into the cutesy look, covering them in crystals or turning them out in pink. Frankly it’s hard to know what would toughen up a Mary Jane ballet flat. Maybe a print featuring the world’s deadliest assault weapons? Although that may not play well at Next.

Anyway, all prints are banished in the latest incarnation of the ballet flat because it’s made of mesh. Breathable, I suppose, but what of its pavement life? Remember the way your ballet flats used to hang over their flimsy soles, putting leather in direct contact with tarmac? Before the week of purchase was out, you’d have a series of

scars on the soft leather, which would swiftly become holes. If those are already holes – well, you get the point.

And so to the aforementioned Frankenpump. If you haven’t seen one yet, then imagine a ballet flat slammed with great force into a clumpy trainer so they fuse and become one hideous monster. In the process, the shoe loses any elegance that may have been conferred by its ballet flat ancestry while simultaneously becoming deeply impractical as a trainer. I suppose they might give a slightly better ‘toe off’, but it

‘WE ALL THOUGHT WE LOOKED LIKE KATE MOSS. WE DID NOT’

would be better still with the inclusion of laces.

So go on, build some time into your day to tie a shoelace. Call it mindful lacing. Just please don’t buy another pair of ballet flats. They say trends come back every 20 years, so if you manage to stay strong this year you won’t have to worry about them again until 2044.

And by then we’ll all be able to fly.