SHOULD WE MARRY OR JUST STAY FRIENDS?

QI am in my 50s and was married to my wife for 21 years before we separated. We have a grown-up daughter. I didn’t want my marriage to end, and don’t understand why it happened. Now I have a longterm friendship with someone else. Do you think I should marry again or just keep it platonic? A

I’m really sorry that your marriage ended against your wishes. Your brief letter tells me very little, but it might hold a clue as to why it broke down. While you tell me the bare facts about your situation, you don’t reveal anything about how you feel. You don’t say if you loved your wife, what kind of person she was or whether you’re still friends. You also don’t tell me anything about your new relationship – in fact, you call it a friendship – or say how you feel about her or if she loves you or wants to get married. This lack of detail suggests you have difficulty talking about, or possibly even understanding, your emotions. Relationships in which feelings are not discussed do often flounder, unfortunately, and this is perhaps what happened in your marriage. So for the sake of this new relationship, and your own wellbeing, it’s important that you find a way to understand and talk about what’s going on inside. You might try Accord (accord.ie) for individual counselling to help you do this and decide how you feel about this new relationship.

It will also help you come to terms with the loss of your marriage in order to move forward. Age Action (ageacton.ie) may be able to inform you of any financial implications of remarrying.