Irish Daily Mail - YOU

MY SISTER PRETENDS OUR PARENTS WERE HAPPY TOGETHER

- CAROLINE WEST-MEADS OUR RELATIONSH­IPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

QMy parents had an awful marriage. My mother was critical and controllin­g, always complainin­g and telling our dad he was doing things wrong. She used to shout a lot, while he was the voice of reason. Although he was strict when we were growing up, he’s always been very kind and supportive to both my sister and me over our careers, marriages, grandchild­ren (my kids) and my divorce. Our mother made her disapprova­l clear when I left my difficult first husband for the lovely man I am still with. I used to wonder how my dad put up with her, but she could be fun and entertaini­ng, too. She has now had to go into a care home, aged 89, while my father, who is in his 90s, is frail and anxious and needs carers at home. However, what really annoys me is that my sister has started sugar-coating their marriage. I have heard her tell carers and friends how our parents ‘fought like cat and dog but were deeply in love’. I know Dad feels needlessly guilty about our mother being in a home, and this doesn’t help. My sister and I are not close and, when I object, she tells me I wouldn’t understand because I gave up on my marriage too easily. It’s really getting to me.

AI can understand why you find it upsetting that your sister wants to rewrite history. It minimises the sadness that you hold for your father and your feelings of being unloved and disapprove­d of by your mother. I expect even though your sister knows your parents had a poor marriage, she wants to believe otherwise. Perhaps (if we were attributin­g finer feelings to her) she doesn’t want to think that your dad was unhappy. However, as your sister sounds quite judgmental, her attitude might be more of a reflection on her own marriage. Sometimes people who judge others for ‘giving up too easily’ are unhappily married themselves – but feel they are being stoical by putting up with things. Perhaps she downplays the difficulti­es in your parents’ marriage to reassure herself that her own, which may be similar, is normal. You, on the other hand, have managed to break the pattern. After marrying someone difficult like your mother, you have now found someone more like your kind father. Unfortunat­ely, you can’t control your sister’s narrative and I think it would only upset you to argue about it. So, on balance, you may have to accept that it is what she chooses to feel,

My mum was controllin­g and always telling our dad he was wrong

I expect she knows the truth but wants to believe otherwise

but not the truth. However, you can still help your father. It’s very sad that he feels guilt about your mother being in a home, so keep reminding him that you made this decision together because her needs had become complex and it was the only option. Many people suffer from anxiety in old age so it might be worth seeing his GP with him to consider medication that would help alleviate this.

 ?? ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Ireland