The house changes when one person moves out. The family dynamic shifts

ne thing is certain as a parent and that is that at some stage our children leave us. They grow up, move out and become independent. This tiny perfect human we created all those years ago is now a young adult desperate to make their own decisions and live their own life. This is essentially what as parents we are here to do: raise and set them free. But it isn’t easy.

I have three children and when my eldest talked about moving out, I was all for it. My thought process was that living away from home is all part of the college experience, of life experience. Luckily enough, a house was found with friends not far from the college, a mere 25-minute drive from our home. Deposits were paid, and bedding, a desk and bathroom essentials were bought. I baked, I shopped, I folded clothes. This is normal, this is life, this is what you want for your son, I told myself.

His bedroom was boxed up, ready to be shipped into Galway city. With the car packed, we dropped him and his belongings into his newly rented house and hung around until it was obvious we were not wanted.

A new adventure with housemates and independence awaited, and mum and dad loitering in the wings were surplus to requirements.

My husband and I drove home chatting about how nice the house seemed, the housemates, the area, and our own student accommodation experiences, until we just stopped babbling and it hit us. Our eldest son had moved out.

My eyes welled with tears, my hands trembled. Why did I encourage him? Wasn’t he fine living at home, driving in and out to college? This is my fault, I pushed him out. My husband hugged me and reassured me that it’s normal, it’s part of life, we have to let him go. But I could see it etched on his face too and once at home he retreated to do some DIY, playing a Fleetwood Mac song, Landslide, over and over again.

The house changes when one person moves out. The family dynamic shifts. The arguing over time spent in the bathroom, the banter between siblings, and the rough and tumble, are still there, yet different. Dinner time was strange. It was automatic after 20 years to serve dinner for five. It was difficult to train my mummy mind otherwise.

It’s not that it was him over the others, any one of them leaving would have hit me, but he was the first. After all these years of caring for your child, they’re gone, moved on and you are left hanging, waiting for a text or a call, worrying if he’s eating enough fruit and vegetables, whether he has considered putting a clothes wash on or coming home for a visit. You don’t care if he brings his washing or empties the fridge, you just want him home, if only for a few hours. To make your family whole again.

Then a strange thing happened. My daughter wanted a puppy. Our previous dog, Sheila, had passed away two years previously, and we all felt we were ready for another. We managed to convince my husband that it was a good idea to get another dog and our new puppy Zouma, a Shih Tzu entered our lives.

Getting Zouma changed our family. She brought us together and gave us a focus again. The one who left returned frequently to see the puppy, and the two left behind emerged from their phones and came into the living room to play with the puppy. All of a sudden, the five of us were thrust back together and we were six now.

For me, I felt almost maternal again. I felt needed. This little furry bundle of giddiness had been separated from her mother and needed me. That’s what I had missed – the need. Although I have two other children who needed me and the child who moved out still needed me – mainly for money, food, and laundry service – this little puppy was demanding my attention. Oh, how I was teased, that I had replaced my son with a dog. That I was treating my puppy as if she was my baby. And was I? I don’t know, I didn’t care! I felt needed again and it was great.

One important thing about dogs is that they will always need you. They don’t move out. Zouma arrived at the right time in my life. I’m not saying everyone should get a puppy when a child moves out, but I do think that finding something else to focus on, to give time to, whether it’s a new hobby, job or pet can be helpful.

We’ll always miss our children when they move out, but we will learn to live with it. We have to. It’s the way of life after all. It’s how we live with it that is important.