I dread leaving my baby to return to work

DEAR BEL,

MY MATERNITY leave is coming to an end and I’ll be back at work in a few weeks. I’m 25 with a beautiful daughter of nine months.

It took more than four years and a miscarriage before God blessed me with her.

She is very clingy and hardly ever goes to anyone except me.

This might be because I’ve spoilt her, let her become too attached — and now I will pay the price.

The plan is for a family member to look after her while I go to work.

All I can think of is how she’ll be crying for me, but I’ll be at work.

I’m trying to get her to build a relationship with the family member, but still keep thinking of her wanting me, which breaks my heart. My husband and I have a mortgage and there’s no way we can afford to live on one wage, otherwise I wouldn’t go back!

I keep looking at her sleeping thinking she has no idea what will happen soon — she probably thinks she will have me around always.

This is killing me. I keep wishing women hadn’t decided to enter the workplace and stayed at home to bring up the kids.

I haven’t left her for five minutes since she’s been born!

I feel for the family member having to look after a screaming child who just wants her mum.

My husband says she’ll be fine after a week or two and I’m worrying too much.

I keep crying at night and keep thinking I’ll break down at work.

Any advice you have would be most helpful.

ANNE

MY heart is full of sympathy for a young mother who went through so much to hold her adored baby daughter in her arms. She is indeed a blessing, as you say.

On the other hand, my head is telling me you must face up to this stage in your life as countless women have done, and collapsing will do no good for you, your husband or your child.

It’s a wonderful thing for a mother to be so full of love, but you must realise it can be quite destructive for a child to be ‘spoilt’ and clingy.

You say you wish women hadn’t ‘decided’ to work. As one who entirely supports the decision of any woman to be a stay-at-home mum, I must also point out that working women in previous centuries juggled child care and the workplace as they needed the money. Just like you. Not choice, but necessity. Countless devoted mothers have felt the initial tear in their hearts when they first say bye-bye. And you know what happens? Baby frets a bit at first, then settles down happily with the person looking after him/her — as long as that person is constant.

By the time my adored first child was nine months old, I was longing to return to freelance journalism. So I got help. I felt guilty sometimes, but today I doubt a mother and son could be closer.

Can I gently point out you are writing a scenario of baby screaming in your absence as you secretly want it to be the case? That’s not good.

In time she’ll go to nursery, preschool, primary school — and you can’t collapse at every step. Love isn’t weakness; grown-up love is strong and lets go with a smile and a wave. Please listen to your husband, because he’s absolutely right.