We need to teach our children to cope in today’s world

Laura Erskine on how parents must prepare for dangers online and outside

Laura Erskine is the mum-inresidence for online portal MummyPages.ie. She lives in Dublin with her son James (7) and her daughter Lucy (5).

AS the mum-inresidence for Mummypages.ie, I am frequently exposed to the personal stories of our mum community as they share their life experiences — good or bad — in the hope of helping others or being helped themselves.

I have never been surprised at the outpouring of support for these mums who have taken a deeply personal event in their lives, and selflessly bared their soul for the greater good. This is because motherhood brings with it a sisterhood like no other.

These mums share their stories to fundraise or petition for medical treatment for a sick family member. They use online communities like ours to ensure that whatever upsetting situation has occurred in their lives, never happens to another person. And sometimes, they simply want to let another mother who may be faced with a similar situation know that she is not alone.

In doing all of this, these mums offer a beacon of hope, they inspire others to keep going or to take action, or they provide solace to a fellow mum on the same journey.

On Mother’s Day last Sunday, mums all over the country were treated to a range of special treats as affirmations of their family’s love and appreciation for all that they do. Unfortunately for some, it was a sad day as they remembered a child who had gone before them, or their own mother now only a guiding light from a faraway place.

THAT special day is one to remember those we love and have loved, as much as it is to celebrate the precious privilege that being a mother is for so many.

This year, I have new found respect for mums parenting alone, whether this is through bereavement or separation.

This is by far the most difficult path to travel, bringing with it many more challenges than just being the primary care giver for your children, and not having someone to share this responsibility.

For me, being a mum is to be fearless in the face of adversity, and to love unconditionally. To be the safe pair of hands that cheers my children’s every personal achievement, and holds their hand in mine when they need comfort, and squeezes when they need strength.

Once you have carried a baby inside your body for any length of time, given life, loved that life before ever meeting it, you know and can empathise like only a mother can with another.

You don’t even have to know the person to feel their pain, to share their joy and the huge range of emotions in between.

This bond between mothers brings with it a strength; one that will help you face your biggest challenges, and reassure you that doing your best is good enough.

The fact is, however, that this sisterhood between mothers is not enough.

Parents need more support to parent, in the ever more complex world that we live in today.

In the digital age that our children are now born into, it becomes harder to protect our children from seeing content that is beyond their age of understanding, or encouraging them to grow up too soon.

It’s no longer about teaching your children the safe cross code to get across the road, and the life skills to fend for themselves.

The most valuable lessons we can teach our children is how to cope in today’s world, and yet not be afraid to pursue their dreams.

While the danger is not in plain sight, like the busy roads of our parents’ generation, the biggest risks are in the hands and the bedrooms of children all over Ireland.

Parents need to be taught how to navigate and mitigate the risks that our children face in the online world we have all had to adopt.

They also need to be taught how to watch for the signs that their children are suffering physically, emotionally and socially from the ripple effects this online world has in their offline world.

We need to equip parents so that they can in turn support their children.

The reality is that accounts run by kids and teens on platforms like Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube channels, are the most influential role models for our children.

Digital access and ownership amongst children starts from age three in this country, according to our own MummyPages research.

The amount of daily unsupervised time spent online ranges from 30 minutes to 300 minutes depending on the age of the child, the day of the week, and whether that child owns a pocketable

smart device.

Before Brexit happened, the former British prime minister David Cameron pledged money from the UK’s government to provide greater supports for parents in raising their children.

He recognised that it would save money in the long run if parents could access help when they needed it, and provide resources to enable parents to better fulfil their role on a normal day-to-day basis.

However, even with all the ‘expert’ parenting theory in the world, you cannot beat a mother’s instinct.

It counts for so much in the field of medicine, that practitioners-in-training will always be taught to look to the mother of a sick child to recount the details of their symptoms over time.

For a mother will notice the smallest change in mood, in physical activity, in behaviour, in development, in their general well-being.

This instinct has had illnesses like brain tumours diagnosed when no ‘obvious’ signs would ever become apparent until it could potentially have been too late. This is because a mother listened to her gut and fought to be heard.

As her child’s advocate, she fights for what she knows is true; that something is wrong with her child. I know, because this is a road I have travelled myself as a mother to my son James.

BUT while a mother’s power knows no bounds, with eyes in the back of her head and a knowing look that can identify a lie before it is spoken from her child’s mouth, she is not superhuman; she needs help.

Our mums and dads deserve better from our Government; the support services to help raise our business leaders and politicians of tomorrow is simply not there.

Instead, we have charities plugging the holes that our Government fails to deliver on.

As parents, we look to Feileacain — the stillbirth and neonatal charity; to Barnardos; to the Jack & Jill Foundation, Pieta House; to One Family; to the LauraLynn Hospice; to Focus Ireland; to Abortion in Ireland, and to Women’s Aid. Without these charities, mothers and families would not be able to survive the crises and challenges put before them.

Ireland has the highest rate in Europe for young girls taking their own lives, and the fourth highest rate of teen suicide in Europe.

We need to support our children better with timely, ageappropriate mental health services, while we need to support parents to be better able to support their children through their anxiety. This support should be funded by our Government, not a charity.

Children’s and teen mental health services are just not accessible in this country, except when a family is in crisis — and even then they are not fit for purpose.

I know this as I have met mothers desperate for help; I have spoken to GPs desperately trying to help these families; I have spoken to school principals about the number of children within their school who need mental health support for a wide variety of manifestations, from depression to self-harm, and bullying to eating disorders.

They are all at their wit’s end as they struggle to navigate a broken system with insufficient supports, as they advocate for the best interests of the children in crisis.

As a mum you give life, and, in doing so, you take on the responsibility of feeding their bodies and minds.

The task of simply getting a reasonably nutritious meal into them three times a day can be a daily battle.

But arguably more important than the food that you give their belly, is what you give to shape their minds.

When you are in the trenches, you must help your child to navigate their developing emotions, to appreciate others, to empathise, to see diversity as strength, to be kind, and to give love.

Please, mums, don’t forget to take time for you, too.

To many, this sounds like one more thing in the ‘mums who get it right parenting rule book’ that you will fail at.

That’s because it is just another item to add to your never-ending ‘To Do’ list.

Or worse still, giving yourself some ‘me-time’ is an indulgence that you know you can’t enjoy, because you will feel guilty that you should be tending to someone else’s needs, someone more important — never you.

Reality check. Mums, you are an important member of your family. Probably THE most important.

Without you as the buttons holding it all together, it’s quite likely the homestead would literally fall apart at the seams.

YOU deserve to have some personal enjoyment in life, that’s just for you. As well as being a mum, you are an adult with needs that need to be met just as much as those of other family members.

So, set aside a little time every day, to restore order, to ground yourself, to let yourself breathe, even if only for five minutes. You need it, you deserve it.

In an ideal world, you’d take 30 minutes of ‘me time’ practicing yoga, taking a bath, or sweating in the gym.

But for most, this just isn’t practical or even possible, especially on a daily basis.

So try taking just five minutes every day for you. Then, once a week, give yourself an hour — or close to it, if you can.

A coffee with friends, a blowdry or manicure, or simply take a walk somewhere that gives you a sense of escape or peace.

When I take five, what I do depends on the day or the mood I’m in — or need to get out of! It ranges from taking an extra five minutes in the shower, to blaring my ‘Feel Good’ Spotify playlist in the car; or simply page turning a magazine or newspaper with a hot cup of coffee.

It really doesn’t matter what you do in this time, whether it’s an activity or a daydream out the window — just do something, anything, that makes you remember and value the unique person that you are, while also being a mother.