I’m of­fi­cially now a titch... which means small re­ally IS beau­ti­ful!

Irish Daily Mail - - Entertainment - SHAY HEALY

MARTIN O’Neill is a pocket rocket. So too is Wes Hoola­han. These two rock­ets are look­ing for lift-off from the same launch pad but, sadly, from the out­side, it looks like the two rock­ets are not hit­ting the same tar­get.

Why this is so, no­body knows, but it al­ways raises the ques­tion: what’s go­ing on with Martin and Wes? It seems like it’s al­most a per­verse re­ac­tion to crit­i­cism of O’Neill’s in­abil­ity to see that when Hoola­han comes on the field the Ir­ish team changes. They be­come in­vig­o­rated. More ad­ven­tur­ous. He gal­vanises them.

O’Neill is re­garded as one of the great tac­ti­cal man­agers, but some­times it hap­pens that he makes a wrong choice. A lot of com­men­ta­tors sug­gested that against Georgia it was a tac­ti­cal wrong move to leave Wes sit­ting on the bench.

His ex­cuse was that Wes was hav­ing trou­ble with an in­jury. He would have been bet­ter off tak­ing a straight trade-off be­tween not play­ing Wes in Georgia, and keep­ing him for the last half hour against Ser­bia. With Wes, we prob­a­bly would have beaten Georgia.

I ac­tu­ally joined the pocket rocket club my­self this past month. I was in hos­pi­tal and two lovely nurses mea­sured me for height. ‘You are 5ft 6in,’ I was told. ‘Don’t be ridicu­lous,’ I replied, ‘I’m 5ft 11in and a half!’

I never, for a mo­ment, con­sid­ered that I would be­come a short arse as I got older. I won­der whether my bum and my height are in con­sort. Did they shag off to­gether or did they de­crease one at a time?

Mind you, as a short ass, I would be in very good com­pany. You only have to look at Tom Cruise to see that his non-tall­ness has given him the drive to be­come a ma­jor Hol­ly­wood star.

It’s not just that he’s a good ac­tor, he also has the drive nec­es­sary to be­come a mogul.

The only thing that be­trays Tom and his in­se­cu­rity as a smaller guy is that it is manda­tory that he has a scene in every movie he makes where he has to run. He likes it be­cause it elon­gates his body.

The real Achilles heel on Tom’s feet, as far as I’m con­cerned, is that he is a big sub­scriber to Scien­tol­ogy which is a strange and danger­ous cult.

Speak­ing of strange and danger­ous be­hav­iour, Mel Gib­son crit­i­cised the Jews but it didn’t stop him from mak­ing the movie, The Pas­sion Of The Christ.

Mel is nom­i­nally a Catholic but his phi­los­o­phy was a bit skewed in an anti-Semitic di­rec­tion. He apol­o­gised for his be­hav­iour but he doesn’t look like he’ll be in line for any in­vestors in his up-com­ing movies. Luck­ily for Mel he has made enough money to be able to fi­nance his own movies.

Back home in Ire­land, we have had the ben­e­fit of two short ass pres­i­dents. The first of these was Seán T O’Kelly, who was in­vari­ably sneered at when he walked on the pitch at Lans­downe Road.

HOW­EVER, on a trip to Amer­ica he wasn’t looked on so favourably, and was dubbed a lep­rechaun. He also had to take a bit of stick at in­ter­na­tional rugby games when he walked on the pitch be­fore a game. He had to put up with the taunt of: ‘Cut the grass, we can’t see the Pres­i­dent.’

The sec­ond im­pres­sive short arse pres­i­dent is the sit­ting ten­ant of Áras an Uachtaráin, Michael D Hig­gins. In the be­gin­ning, Michael swore that he wouldn’t serve more than one term, but if ever a man was suited to a role, Michael D is that man and I won’t hear a bad word said against him.

Now, be­ing re­garded as a titch my­self, I am de­lighted to an­tic­i­pate talk­ing eye­ball to eye­ball with two staunch ex­po­nents of Ir­ish cul­ture, Paddy Moloney of the Chief­tains and the ubiq­ui­tous Marty Mor­ris­sey, both found­ing mem­bers of the bri­gade of small but beau­ti­ful per­son­al­i­ties in our land.

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