Ah, the ’80s! When style went out the window...
I’LL let you in on a little secret here. Nobody, to my almost certain knowledge, has ever accused me of having my finger on the pulse when it comes to fashion-related matters.
Hard to believe, isn’t it? But I am still a bit baffled as to how I failed to even notice the latest emerging trend.
According to a piece by Rachel Johnson in yesterday’s Mail on Sunday, the bum bag is making a major comeback. All sorts of celebrities – from Rihanna to Helen Mirren, from Fearne Cotton to Kim Kardashian – have been spotted with these dreadful-looking pouches clipped around their respective midriffs in recent weeks.
Most of the big-name designer labels, including Prada, Gucci and Chanel, are charging top dollar for their own individual versions.
By any reckoning, the bum bag must count as one of the most ludicrous accessories ever invented. I suppose I can just about see how they might have been useful for tourists, given that it gave them somewhere to stash their passports and – here’s another blast from the past – travellers’ cheques. The downside to that, of course, is that they might as well have got a tattoo inked on to their foreheads spelling out the words: ‘I am a tourist. Please mug me.’
BUT what really baffled me was when bum bags became commonplace among the population at large during the 1980s. Given that we’re talking about a time before the spread of mobile communication, people can’t have been using them to hold their cellphones.
Besides, those early handsets wouldn’t have fitted anyway. I’d have reckoned most bum bags would be at maximum capacity if you managed to squeeze
in a set of keys, a couple
of ballpoint pens and, maybe, a small apple. Anyway, they’re back and I don’t suppose there is much any of us can do about it. For her part, Ms Johnson expresses the fervent hope that we don’t see the return of the perm. She also mentions other Eighties relics such as massive shoulder pads and leotards worn over neon leggings.
But there are a few things she forgot from that most gruesome of decades. In no particular order...
SUIT JACKETS WITH THE SLEEVES ROLLED UP:
THIS trend was almost entirely the fault of Don Johnson and the other bloke out of Miami Vice whose name escapes me at the moment. It was a look that might have just about been permissible in sunny Florida – ‘might’, I said – but unfortunately didn’t work quite so well on the streets of, say, Ballinteer or Bundoran.
STONEWASHED JEANS:
I’M still convinced that the original concept was some sick and twisted individual’s idea of a joke. One chap of my acquaintance circa 1987 had the misfortune to also have a matching jacket. By that stage, Shakin’ Stevens had long since proved beyond all reasonable doubt that the double-denim look was a matter of poor judgment. Trust me, it looked 20 times worse in stonewash.
RA-RA SKIRTS:
NOT even the darkhaired one out of Bananarama looked good in one of these. Which, to borrow a phrase, is really saying something.
MULLETS:
STRICTLY speaking, the mullet can be traced back to at least the early 1970s. But it only became part of everyday culture in the following decade when it started replacing the bubble perm as the most popular hairstyle among footballers in the old First Division. Probably the most spectacular example, though, was sported by Bono during his excruciating performance at Live Aid in 1985.
LEG WARMERS:
THE Kids from Fame have a lot to answer for.
FINGERLESS GLOVES:
I SEEM to remember lots of serious-looking teenage males adopting this style during the latter half of the decade. They were clearly labouring under the illusion that it made them look like members of some achingly hip indie band. In fact, it made them look like members of Fagin’s gang of thieves in Oliver Twist.
RATS’ TAILS:
THIS tonsorial horror was popular among members of pop groups like Tear For Fears and Thompson Twins. I rest my case.
JUMPERS DRAPED AROUND THE SHOULDERS:
THIS style is only allowed if you happen to be appearing in a dramatisation of Brideshead Revisited. Otherwise jumpers should be worn in the normal manner, unless they are being used as makeshift goalposts in a five-a-side kickabout.
HEADBANDS:
I SUPPOSE the likes of Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe might have just about had a plausible excuse for wearing these ridiculous items. But when Mark Knopfler got in on the act as well, it was a step too far.
FLIPPED-UP COLLARS:
ACCORDING to all the available evidence, this trend first emerged in the leafier suburbs of south Dublin.
It was almost exclusively seen on plummy-voiced halfwits wearing polo shirts in pastel colours.
Even now, it can still be spotted in the vicinity of The Stadium Formerly Known As Lansdowne Road when there is a rugby international on. We must remain vigilant at all times.