BEL MOONEY
‘We’re all trapped!’ my mother said, ‘We’re all trapped in a body with limitations, even the most able-bodied among us! And we’re all guided by minds with limitations of their own. You want to know my philosophy? It’s this: our job, regardless of our bodi
DEAR BEL
I AM at the end of my tether and don’t know where to turn.I lost my son (45) last year through alcoholism. His father and I divorced 20 years ago and both remarried, certainly happily in his case. He was a serial cheat who put the children through hell.
My son was driven to succeed and build a good life for his family, he was also driven by his materialistic wife.
They have two lovely boys, but his wife allowed them to witness all sorts of hell, due to my son’s drinking. She didn’t want to call time on the relationship while he was still functioning and bringing in a good income. When she finally told him to leave he spent a year in a depressing flat and deteriorated. She wouldn’t let the boys see him (which I can understand) and he cried for them every day.
It was me who spent all my time trying to get help, taking him to A&E, to psychiatrist appointments all over the country, losing my job as a result. It was me who once stayed awake for two nights, dealing with the police etc — until he was eventually found dead in his flat. At the age of 63 it’s not been easy to find work and I’ve had to settle for a low-paid clerical job until I can retire. This is really where the problem is.
My ex-husband and his wife are retired and financially comfortable. They can see the boys whenever they like. I feel bitter that they have hijacked my grief and my grandsons.
I’m my son’s mother — not the new wife. Yes, I know this is selfish. The last straw has come when even though we all arranged to get together on the anniversary of his death, it now turns out that it’s just going to be his dad and his wife, the boys as well as my daughter and her children.
How do I accept being left out gracefully? How do I move on? It’s brought back all the bitterness and jealousy of the divorce, as well as the loss of my son. Please give me some advice.
PENNY