Revealed: the resolutions they should have adopted
IT’S DAY Three of 2018, so I presume most of you will have jettisoned the New Year’s resolutions by now – and quite right too. This is a terrible time of year to be casting off anything – it’s freezing out there – or, indeed, to be taking up a new hobby. Do it in August, when there’s nothing good on the telly.
That said, if you are in the market for resolutions, my advice is to think small. Just make minor adjustments to your life. For example, I had resolved to get toned enough to wear cropped gym gear by the summer, but after intensive consulting with The Best Friend on New Year’s Eve, I’ve changed that to, ‘Carry on being fabulous and drink more champagne’. On a more sober note, I’ve decided to give up reading books and watching TV shows that I’m not enjoying. I will never get back the hours I wasted on Doctor Foster, so in 2018 if something hasn’t grabbed me by the end of the first episode/chapter then it’s gone. There are literally millions of books and thousands of TV shows out there, so why linger on the disappointing ones? (Which reminds me, a special New Year message to all those people who keep saying to me: ‘I know you have no interest in the royal family, but you really should watch The Crown’, this is like telling me that in spite of my antipathy towards cars, I really should check out the new Ford Catheter, or whatever. It’s just not going to happen. Too many top dramas, too little time.)
But for those among us with high lives and higher profiles, then clearly this is a perfect time to make key changes – not least because there is nothing much else for me to write about in these early days of the New Year. So if the great and the good and the mad and the bad are looking for suggestions on how to improve their lives in 2018, I’m more than happy to oblige.
Leo Varadkar should resolve to concentrate more on substance than style. Photobombing llamas is all very well and good but unless you’re planning on building houses out of Lycra and a soft border out of novelty socks – now there’s an idea – then it’s probably worth turning the iPhone off every so often and getting on with the unsexy business or running a country.
Kathryn Thomas should resolve to put her feet up and enjoy her pregnancy away from the over-excited RTÉ cameras. Given that Weather Watch quickly became Bump Watch, I’d imagine RTÉ has already suggested Kathryn give birth live on Nationwide. She should resist the pressure – once Operation Transformation has shut up shop, I’d suggest the affable presenter does the whole Couch to 5K programme in reverse.
Although clocks make for popular retirement gifts, Gerry Adams, stepping down as Sinn Féin president this year, should probably be wary of opening any package that’s ticking. As to how he should fill his retirement years, then, gardening is an excellent hobby. Although the long commute between his many gardens might prove draining for even the most sprightly son of the soil.
Frances Fitzgerald will also have more time on her hands than she expected. Maybe she should use it to catch up on reading her emails.
If Micheál Martin doesn’t want to be the first Fianna Fáil leader not to be taoiseach, he needs to pull off a spectacular stunt this year. Martin was into health and fitness while Leo was still loitering at all-you-can-eat buffets, so maybe he should take a leaf from the new Taoiseach’s book and consider doing a calendar for 2018. Otherwise, all he’ll be remembered for is making people smoke in the rain.
In a bid to raise the profile of the Labour Party, Aodhán Ó Ríordáin should appear on Countdown and request only consonants.
Conor McGregor should resolve to trade his Friends In Low Places for some actual sporting accomplishments in 2018 before we all forget the man’s audacious natural talents.
Martin O’Neill should try to be a bit nicer to Tony O’Donoghue. Bafflingly, the affable RTÉ soccer presenter seems to bring out the worst in the Irish manager, who would do well to note that in the National Treasure stakes, O’Donoghue’s way ahead of the chippy Derry man. Conversely, Roy Keane should keep on being Roy Keane. It’s not big, it’s not clever – and it’s certainly not going to win us any matches – but the Mayfield man contributes to the gaiety of the nation like almost no other. I’m not convinced that Miriam O’Callaghan really wants to be President, but she should probably make her intentions clear. I am convinced that Michael D Higgins wants to be President, but likewise, he should either micturate or get off the presidential pot (I’m guessing that’s what they call it in the Áras). Now that Noel and Liam Gallagher appear to have buried the hatchet, an Oasis reunion would be a dream ticket for 2018. Although, of course, this is not the most pressing reason for their reunion – the pair have missed each other’s children growing up, and they clearly regret that. Rarely have two people loved each other with such a fury.
AND FINALLY...
Let’s all be a bit nicer to each other on social media. We have a deeply divisive, emotional referendum campaign ahead of us; maybe we should all resolve not to rush to judgment and to take several deep breaths – preferably in a flotation tank – before we tweet.