...AND THE OLD HOOR’S ALMANAC PREDICTIONS FOR 2018

IT’S also customary, in this first column of the new year, for me to open my well-thumbed copy of Old Hoor’s Almanac and see what 2018 has in store…

BOB Geldof tries to return his unwanted Christmas presents and is then outraged when the shops take them back.

MARTY Morrissey wins Dancing With The Stars, and celebrates with a Marty’s Party that continues for months and only ends when the twinkle-toed star has to take every pair of slacks he owns to the drycleaner.

MARIAH Carey ruins the opening ceremony of the World Cup by refusing to sing unless somebody brings her a golden eagle’s egg, freshly laid in the Himalayas, as a tasty snack. ÷ SAOIRSE Ronan is beaten to a Best Actress Oscar by Margot Robbie. However, the ceremony is plunged into controversy as a second envelope is revealed, which names Saoirse, inset, as the rightful winner. Unfortunately, the envelope is in Saoirse’s dad’s pocket. THE Papal Mass at Croker is a tense affair, but the Pope eventually overcomes adversity with a well-taken free in the final minute of additional time – beating a dejected Mayo once again. ÷ THE Independent Alliance begins stockpiling weapons but suffers a serious setback when North Korea invades Greystones.

A NATIONAL transport strike brings the country to a standstill. With buses, trains and both Ryanair and Aer Lingus all on strike, people are forced to walk to work, leading to a spike in A&E admissions due to people walking into lamp-posts while watching videos on their phones of people walking into lampposts.

CHARLIE Brooker wins an Emmy for Black Mirror, for the Best TV Drama About People With Yokes Implanted In Their Heads That Go Wrong.

THE royal wedding is called off at the last minute when Meghan Markle suddenly realises that joining the world’s longest-running soap opera would be career suicide.

FOLLOWING the success of a second series of Channel 4’s A Handmaid’s Tale adaptation, the Autumn/Winter 2018 catwalks are thronged with red capes and huge bonnets which cause a spike in A&E admissions as models fall off catwalks.

AFTER Domhnall Gleeson is announced as the new James Bond, the franchise is tweaked to change the spy’s favourite drink to Guinness and his preferred car from an Aston Martin to the Number 32 bus to Malahide.

JODIE Whittaker is a huge success as the first female Doctor Who, prompting other longrunning TV franchises to experiment with gender changes. Mrs Brown’s Boys becomes Mr Brown’s Girls, with a woman dressed as a man in the lead role, making jokes about mickeys for the amusement of her daughters, played by her real-life sons.