Why working mums feel guilty
Xpose’s Karen Koster on why most women struggle with balancing jobs and families
Xposé presenter KAREN KOSTER is stepping away from the red carpet for the first time tonight with a new documentary called Mammy Guilt. As a mum of two boys under the age of four, the presenter explores the difficulties for working women — and those who stay at home. Here Karen, 36, tells us about her own ‘mammy guilt’ as she battles from the creche to Ballymount’s television studios every day.
THIS time last year I had no idea that I was going to make a documentary for TV3 about one of the subjects I’m passionate about. It came about quite by accident. TV3 held a couple of workshops about how to pitch an idea. And to be honest, the first one I went to I thought it ruled me out because it was about making documentaries, they were more of a news reporter thing, it would be too serious and that’s not my bag at all.
But it just so happened that one day shortly after that, I was hanging out washing and feeling a bit upset that I hadn’t seen my boys — Finn who has just turned three and JJ who will be two in March — at all that day. I felt like I was in a rat race — running to get the boys into creche, running to pick them up after work and get them home. They had gone to bed at 7pm and I had only seen them for 45 minutes. And I felt so guilty. I realised this was an issue for all mums — do you go back to work? And how do you feel when you do? I found myself talking to other parents who worked and all of them were saying similar things about parenting, how they coped while working, feeling guilty about leaving the children and how their kids were doing too.
And you are not the same person after you have a child — you just aren’t. Things that used to be important to you pale in comparison to keeping your child happy and healthy. Suddenly you have a new set of emotions as you have this brand new person you are genetically designed to protect and nurture. I think that’s where mummy guilt comes from. If you decide then to do something other than what every fibre of your body is telling you to do — which is stay with this baby, nurture them, bring them up — but instead decide to go back to being the old you, have this life, have this job you loved, that’s where the conflict comes into it.
When I was pregnant with Finn there was never a question of me going back to work, but then he arrived and I was suddenly thinking: ‘Oh God, right.’
I found it very difficult going back to work after having Finn. I was lucky in the sense that I only went back to work parttime and I was already pregnant with my second baby, so I knew when returning I only had to get through four to five months before I would be back on maternity leave and I would be able to have more time not only with my second baby, but also with my first.
Since I have been back after having the two boys, I have had this extended period of work where this is the new normal now — leaving them, not seeing them for nine hours and leaving them in the creche. Some days feel very long from the morning until the evening and I do miss seeing them. I think that’s where the guilt kicks in, because I am a product of a stay-at-home mum.
I wasn’t leaving the house for nine hours a day until I got my full-time job. Even when I was in college, I didn’t have as long as that and that is where my guilt comes from. It’s a long time for a child to have to spend out of their own home. But that’s a choice I’ve made, the boys are thriving but sometimes it doesn’t mean I won’t worry about making that choice and worry that they will turn out okay. Sometimes women make the decision to stay at home, and sometimes, financially, they have to make the decision to stay at home because it doesn’t make any sense to go back to work and pay for childcare. I’ve met stay-at-home mums who adored their experience and they feel like the lucky ones. And I met stay-at-home mums who feel like they are undervalued and feel a little bit invisible when they tell someone they are a stay-at-home mum. It’s such a personal choice. I think stay-at-home mums are tremendous at what they do and so many these says also have other outlets, like an online venture or a blog. There is so much choice, but obviously circumstances may force you one way or the other. And the reason I feel guilty, I suppose, is because I want my children to grow up with this unquestioning sense of security that I had with my mum. If I felt ill or sick, I always knew my mum would be there in a second to pick me up from school. Home was my haven and I just want my kids to know that even if I am not there with them for lunch or dinner five days a week, that I am still there for them. There’s nothing more important that I won’t drop just to get to them. I also want them to know the time I am with them, I really make count. It’s the quality of time you spend with your children, not just the quantity, that matters. And I want them to have that special bond with me, to feel that I have been the best mum for them. But also if I didn’t have my own outlet, I feel I would become a burden to them in later life, too reliant on them — they might want me to leave them alone and go and get a hobby. My husband John McGuire and I are expecting our third child in June. And I think I would be very naive to believe Baby Number Three is not going to make life louder, more chaotic, busier, more stressful. But John and I only had this conversation the other day and he said to me: ‘This is the happiest I have been in my entire life. The kids consistently make me smile, make me laugh and I am the most content I have ever been.’ And we got such a boost having JJ so soon after Finn, watching two siblings grow up together is
great. We were never not going to have another baby — we’re very excited, we don’t look at the downsides to be honest.
As a working mum — or as any mum will tell you — definitely there are days when I am struggling. You feel like screaming into a pillow because you just don’t think you are going to have enough patience to get through the day. But those moments are fleeting and the good moments far outweigh those stressful times. So when the new baby arrives in June, of course things will be busier, things will be happier though and we will be a full unit.
So, like many other mothers, I am trying to look at the bigger picture.
My children will only be small for such a short period of time. I know that, before I know it, they will be in school and I will still want to have my own things going on.
Working in the media, I knew I wasn’t going to just be able to disappear for seven years and come back and pick up from where I left off. I knew I wanted to continue in the job as long as it would have me, while Xposé is doing great.
I really enjoyed this job and building up this career, so it’s not something I could give up without a second thought.
Last weekend, I had a brilliant time with the boys, but going into work and being able to finish a cup of tea — all those little things you take for granted — are great.
There is a selfish part of me that does like having that little bit of me time. And now that’s what work is, whereas before you thought you gave everything to your job. I think being a working mum actually makes work more satisfying. I get more out of it.
And at work I also get to go to the toilet alone!
Mammy Guilt: True Lives airs on TV3 tonight at 9pm.