Mum never wanted me but I can’t stop caring about her

DEAR BEL MY mum fell pregnant at 17; I was born in 1963 before abortions were legal. She admits she never wanted a child. My soldier dad was violent towards her. They split up in Singapore and my dad brought me back to Britain to live with his mum, returning to the army. I was three. Then he met another woman, whom he married after returning to England and divorcing Mum.

Mum was still in Singapore. Her parents refused to help her get home. I lived with my paternal grandmother and her partner. It was a volatile relationship. One morning, my grandmother left for work and never returned.

I was placed in the care of my mother’s parents as the authorities couldn’t find my mum or dad. From age six to nine I had a strict but happy childhood.

One day a woman arrived. She said: ‘Hello Maggie,’ and walked past me. No hugs from my mother. She spent time with me while looking for a job but soon moved to London to find work.

After a few years she married — but I couldn’t live with them as his mother didn’t approve of her. My grandparents and I visited her and our relationship was OK.

This continued as I got older and married. We were like sisters but I called her Mum. I’d visit with my husband and children and had some lovely times over the years. Then I became ill with stress, put on weight and lost my confidence.

She didn’t understand. We stopped talking. When my grandmother died, I found the funeral service very difficult (it didn’t feel like it was about my grandma) so I didn’t go to the cremation — which annoyed my mother.

Unhappy in my marriage, I started an affair, lost weight, gained confidence and decided to leave.

Mum and I met for coffee. I told her about my marriage and what I was planning. Later, she texted saying she didn’t agree with what I was doing and didn’t want contact until it was all over.

Eventually, I let her know I was happy in a flat on my own. Then she phoned my husband and told him I had been planning to leave him for months, that the affair he thought was over was still going on. How could she be so cruel?

Since then (2009) I’ve heard nothing. She’ll be 73 now and I wonder how she is. She moved, not telling anyone where. I’m getting married this year to a lovely man. My ex and I are good friends. My grown-up children are my life.

My mother is missing out on family and I’m missing her. Am I stupid to still care about someone who doesn’t give a damn? MAGGIE

YOU are not ‘stupid’ but possibly unwise. It seems to me admirable and touching that you still have such wistful, loving feelings about the woman who has never been much of a real mother to you.

Her more recent behaviour is in keeping with the way she has always chosen to live her life.

And choice is key to how you deal with your own feelings about her. Your own life has been far from easy — because of her ongoing rejection. It’s heartbreaking to imagine that little girl shipped back home because neither parent wanted her.

At the same time, there was that 17-year-old who did not want a baby and was emotionally unequipped to become a mother. That part is hardly her ‘fault’. I can feel sympathy there, and for the ill-treatment she suffered at your father’s hands.

That said, she showed you — her vulnerable child — no warmth or affection when she returned. In my book that’s rather hard to forgive. Your mother yo-yoed in and out of your life, but it doesn’t sound as if she ever really tried to understand you.

Yes, you were able to have good times with her and your family, and that reflects well on you both. It’s important to celebrate those moments when both of you could put the past behind you. Yet she was no support when you needed her — not ever.

When your marriage and mental health caused you problems she ignored you, and when you finally ended your marriage, her response was to make things much worse by taking your husband’s side in a way designed to be cruel to him as well as to you.

Why? Was she revealing deep bitterness because of what happened with your father? I think it very important that within your mind and heart you let your mother know that you have forgiven her.

Of course, you could try to trace her — yet people who disappear usually do so because they want to start a new life. Or (sadly) because they have real mental health problems — but honestly, what can you do about that?

What you can do is to try to set your own mind at ease. At the end of your email you reveal all the good things in your life. Tell yourself how much you deserve them.

Believe me, I would love to hear that your mother had walked back into your life, as she did once before — but I don’t think you should spend any more emotional energy longing for her.

Please choose to live within your present happiness.