I can’t get over fiance who ran off with a younger woman
QMY FIANCE left me last summer for a younger woman he had been wooing behind my back. I was devastated when I found out — I saw a picture of him with her online. When I confronted him about it, he said they were a couple and that I should basically get lost. Paralysed by tears and hurt, I didn’t go out for two weeks.
The trouble is I think about him all the time. I keep remembering the moments we spent together and all I do is cry. I miss him terribly and am struggling to cope. Nothing seems to take my mind off him. Do you have any advice on how I can move on and put him behind me?
STEPH SAYS: The first thing to say is that you aren’t alone; this has happened to so many people. And it’s so painful — a double whammy of rejection, because not only did he leave, but he left for another, younger, woman. It really is excruciating, I know.
Moving on is hard. It takes time, because, sadly, there is no magic wand. But, when you really struggle with it, the most important thing to do is to think about why you’re stuck. Right now, it might feel like it’s because ‘the one’ got away, but I don’t think it really is that.
If he was the one for you, this wouldn’t have happened. And no matter how much you might long for him now, he lied to you.
If you’re honest with yourself, I’m sure you’d acknowledge that you don’t want someone like that in your life. So I don’t think he is the issue. I wonder if you’re having such a hard time because you’re struggling to come to terms with having made a mistake.
You have to try to stop seeing this as a failure. You were a trusting, honest and loving girlfriend and he was a liar. I think the way you can move on is to forgive yourself. You are utterly blameless in this.
The only way you’ll find the right man is by doing exactly what you were doing — having the courage to fall in love. You should embrace this, because courage is power.
The other thing I have to say is that, at 38, you’re still young. Time is not running out and there absolutely will be others. But all in good time. You will be a little gun-shy for a while, and that’s fine. But eventually, you’ll be ready to get out there again.
When you do, the key thing is not to make others pay for his mistake. Just because your ex is a liar doesn’t mean other men are.
I’m loathe to use the kind of trite phrases people often trot out at times like this, but one of them is too apt not to mention. You really do have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince because in doing so, you refine your choosing skills. You find out exactly what you don’t want in a husband. Now, you can think back on some of the things your ex did and realise what didn’t work for you.
You’re clearly a good soul and you believe in people. That’s a good thing. You didn’t let yourself down in any way — he let you down, and now you have to forgive yourself and let him go.
Remember: we all have to get it wrong in order to get it right.
DOM SAYS: My heart bleeds for you. To be dealt a blow like this is horrific. Unrequited love is unbearable — we have all been there at some stage. You feel life itself has been snatched away from you and that you will never recover. But you’re wrong. It’s painful, but you will bounce back. The man in question has treated you appallingly. In your longer letter, you say he was in the Army and that you got engaged just five weeks into the relationship. To my mind this is far too soon and shows possible insecurities and perhaps issues with belonging. However, before we condemn him, there are two possible reasons for his actions. First, having been in the Army, if he has experienced conflict he may well have undergone things way beyond our comprehension and he may be suffering inside. This in itself will definitely affect his emotions and, in turn, his decisions. If this is the case, he should be forgiven, but I sincerely hope he seeks help. However, I think it far more likely he is simply an outright cad of the highest degree who has continually lied to you, shown no respect for your feelings and simply does not know how to behave properly. He is no longer to be trusted and any attempt to communicate with him will just end in more tears, so resist the temptation. Quite frankly, you have dodged a bullet here. Far better to find out now than after the wedding. You are a positive person and you have your whole life ahead of you. Your heart has been broken and you feel worthless. You are not. You have to take hold of yourself and start to move on. Throw yourself into your work. This will help distract you. This is also the time when you need your friends most, so get out and have some fun with them. You will find love again, but don’t start dating again until you feel the time is right — you don’t want a new relationship on the rebound. This is time for you, and you alone. Get out there and prove he made the biggest mistake of his life. Now put the paper down and call your friends. This will all take time, but be grateful you don’t have a divorce looming or a baby on your hip to remind you of him for the rest of your life.