Do I have any future with my lover who won’t get divorced?
DEAR BEL
THREE years ago I started a relationship with a man separated from his wife after he discovered her affair.
Their two daughters were eight and ten. He’d stayed home (a brilliant dad, his wife the breadwinner) until they started school. After the separation, his wife moved a few streets away from him to make childcare easier.
They’re still very close — communicating every day over childcare plus general chit-chat. Even after he kicked her out she texted him in the early hours. I think he liked her turning to him for support. He says they understand each other after so many years. But where do I fit in? When we met, I thought we might get married but he doesn’t want to.
Most of the time we get on well but often don’t understand each other and he’s irritated at my over-sensitivity.
At first I stayed with him a couple of nights every two weeks. I’d acquired a house that needed major work about half an hour from his. After a year of all the building he agreed I could move into his home as his daughters mostly live with their mum. It wasn’t easy as he’s quite set in his ways.
The stab came eight months ago after over a year when my house was nearly finished. He helped move my daughter (22) into it —then said he thought I’d move there.
I said I’d always hoped to stay with him, with my daughter living in my house. Then I saw another side to him as he said when I was there it was ‘more work’ and increased bills. He even said, ‘What did you expect? We’d get married and live happily ever after?’
So I knew I had to leave. A month passed. I felt bereaved — denial, anger, sadness, depression, every emotion. I’d gone from living with this man to nothing.
Now I see him sometimes for coffee and he’s stayed at mine twice in the past eight months. I’ve tried to stay at his every couple of weeks. We may text once a day but it’s very casual. He explained to friends his house is for ‘his girls’.
I feel like the ‘bit on the side’. Am I wrong to want him to divorce? He says he loves sex with me and when his kids are older, we’ll get a place together. But we could be in our mid 60s!
Do you think there’s a future? ROSALIE
AS I SO often explain to readers, your email was four times as long as this, therefore I know more facts than we have here. So I must be frank from the outset, Rosalie, and say I don’t quite believe you. You say you came to terms with the knowledge your boyfriend didn’t want to remarry. Is that really true?
Also, you tell me he’s wrong to assume that if he divorced you would ‘press for marriage’ — because you don’t want it. Is that really true?
You see, I sympathise with you but fear that this relationship was in serious trouble from the moment it began. I doubt you ever came to terms with his ongoing involvement with his ex-wife, or his wish never to re-marry. I also suspect if he were single it would be a matter of months before you started planning a wedding in your mind, and told him so.
Believe me, I’m not being harsh. For your own sake you have to be honest with yourself in order to decide whether ‘there’s a future’.
Your boyfriend remains passionately involved with his daughters (of course) and sees no need for a stepmother. You will always be a poor third, or maybe fourth. He never invited you to move in with him — you asked.
His habitual grumpiness was probably as much because he just didn’t want you to be there, as through any perceived incompatibility.
Madly in love as you were, you made yourself blind — until he stabbed you with the truth.
In your uncut letter you said you gave him €150 a month towards bills and ate meals in work, and offered more money. But he didn’t want that, did he? He wanted you not to be there.
Some couples manage perfectly well living apart but sharing a bed a few times a week.
It wouldn’t suit me one bit — nor you, either. But your boyfriend would like it.
Think of it from his perspective. He’s keeping the family home just the way he likes it, for his girls to come and go. Meanwhile, he gets to have good sex every so often with somebody he strings along with the promise of living together at some undefined time in the future.
You tell me you feel like his ‘bit on the side’ and at the moment — because you have put up with his lack of caring and courtesy, but still sleep with him every couple of weeks — that’s exactly what you are.
You long to regain your happiness and self-respect, but I fear you will never achieve that as long as you allow this situation to continue. In your place, I would enjoy living in my very own house, go out for jolly drinks with my daughter, and make a point of meeting new people.
I sympathise with your upset at losing what you thought was a ‘wonderful, long-term relationship’ — but fear that if you go on sleeping with this man you will just make yourself more and more unhappy.