My lover used to buy me lingerie, now he’s putting me in handcuffs

I AM a 50-year-old woman who fell out of love with my second husband several years ago. We’ve been together for 20 years.

I assumed I’d be happy to remain in a loveless (on my part) marriage until we died. Now this is not so and I’ve sought advice about divorce. This is not my problem, though. Rightly or wrongly, I met a man on a dating website.

He is nine years younger. We started emailing, finding we had much in common and finally met last December. He gave me the usual chat about how he yearned for love and intimacy, and said there had been no sex in the marital bed for six years, giving a believable reason.

Since we met, we’ve become very close, visiting hotels for unbelievable afternoons. He bought me beautiful lingerie for those occasions. He has always been (and remains) attentive with texts, phone calls, flattery in abundance and wants to see me any time we can arrange. On Valentine’s Day I received a very expensive gift and recently he asked me to go away on holiday. I knew I was falling in love.

He wouldn’t say ‘I love you’ until I said it first, but I didn’t think much of it. When questioned, he said he wanted to make sure I loved him. Now he tells me all the time, saying that it is impossible to love him more than he does me.

On the face of it, he’s a perfect lover to love and be loved by. Now, alarm bells are ringing — loudly. He’s always been a considerate lover, but slowly and insidiously elements of BDSM (handcuffs, blindfolds, smacking and worse) have been incorporated into our trysts.

From the pretty lingerie, he now wants basques and crotchless knickers — at my age!

Never one to shy away from adventure, I said I’d be happy to do things he suggested. Because it’s new, it’s been exciting, but with a measure of doubt. My lover always said if I didn’t like it, we need not do it again.

My overriding instinct is that I’m being groomed. I want to believe he is a really nice guy with real feelings for me, but my gut is telling me differently. I think he may be a sexual predator who has a normal relationship with his wife and wants to indulge his needs with a willing companion.

If he is genuine and I end the relationship, I’m the one who is losing out. I find it hard to believe that at my age and experience I cannot tell. Am I really so gullible?

MY FAVOURITE scent and flavour is vanilla, and so therefore I am not the best person to be commenting on more exotic tastes.

What consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is not my business — and my response to the first volume (who could bear to read more?) of Fifty Shades Of Grey was utter hilarity.

Whatever floats your boat, as they say. Yet you would not have written to me with this problem if you were quite happy with the development of your lover’s tastes, would you?

Therefore, we have to examine your feelings about this ‘perfect lover’ and ask whether he is so perfect for you after all.

For a start there is the inconvenient truth that you are both married, therefore your ‘trysts’ can be achieved only through deception.

You say you are investigating divorce, but give no clue as to your husband’s feelings on the matter. This bothers me. Unless he ill-treats you, he deserves consideration and you need to think carefully whether a ‘loveless marriage’ means the same thing as a ‘sexless marriage’.

I would also like to have known whether you or your lover have any children. Long-term (if there is to be any future) that seems relevant to me.

But back to the sex in this relatively new relationship. You were happy when he was presenting you with beautiful lingerie and a posh Valentine’s gift, but the latest tendencies bother you.

You’ve gone along with him because you didn’t want to put him off — and found it exciting — but it’s clear you’ve reached a stage where you feel foolish (oh, those ugly crotchless knickers!) and put off by his tastes.

Bondage, discipline and sadomasochistic shenanigans have to be enjoyed equally by both halves of a couple. Since you have these doubts, you have to ask yourself whether continuing would involve a loss of self-respect.

After all, you’re not a young woman, too easily led. If you would be quite happy to continue with the love affair (in spite of the marriages) and hate the thought of ending it because of your suspicions, then surely the answer is easy to see.

If you make it very clear that you have no wish to be tied up or spanked, that you tried it to please him but it’s not your style, then won’t his response reveal his true nature?

If he’s stringing you along (as you suspect), then he will try to persuade you to carry on. If you persist in saying ‘no’, he’ll probably stuff the handcuffs in his coat pocket and scoot off quickly to find another victim / partner.

But if he has genuine feelings, surely he will say that with you conventional love-making is the most beautiful thing in the world.