The journey is long but what keeps you going is love, support and compassion
LAST week my heart went out to the family of Elisha Gault when I heard the news that they found the 14-year-old’s remains in the River Suir, not far from Dillon Bridge where she was last seen,.
My thoughts were with her mum and dad in particular. God love them. It is a terrible tragedy and a huge cross for her family and friends to bear.
The day that Elisha was found also marked a difficult date in our lives — our darling Andrew’s birthday. He would have been 22 years old. Every year I find this date incredibly painful, and this year was no better.
Time does not heal the gaping hole in your heart, it just makes it a little easier to live with. You never get over the loss of a child, but you learn to get around it and learn to live with a new normal.
It was heartbreaking to read the Facebook posts her mum Grainne put up last week about her witty, charming and beautiful baby girl. In her grief, she urged people who came across negativity not to react or respond, only days after her daughter died.
Elisha’s mum said her baby had mental health issues which she battled to overcome before her death. In my opinion, all of us have issues. The difference is, at 14 years of age you are not equipped to deal with seemingly insurmountable problems. It’s been said many times, but it’s unfortunately so true: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Grainne Gault spoke about mental heath issues not only among children and teenagers, but also adults who are ‘broken’ inside, and urged us all to be sympathetic to each other. I was struck at how selfless and compassionate this message was, especially in the midst of her devastating shock and grief. Although she said, she had a hole in her heart at the loss of her baby, she was still thinking of others.
It is a testament to her, her husband and her family. They have a long road ahead, one that we know only too well. Tragically, the Gaults and our family are now added to the club that we never wanted to join — that of the shattered families left behind as a result of suicide.
The day of Andrew’s birthday was wet and windy, and the weather matched my mood — I was feeling miserable. It was one of those days that I really didn’t want to even get out of bed, let alone socialise.
This year, to mark the date, Derry had bought tickets for a dinner in aid of the charity 3Ts — Turn the Tide of Suicide — at the Pigeon House restaurant in Delgany, Co. Wicklow.
The head chef and chief fundraiser on the evening was Daniel Hannigan. We know Dan well. He worked at l’Ecrivain some years ago. I knew his father died when he was very young, but I didn’t realise it was by suicide. Again I was struck by how many people are affected by this ruinous epidemic.
I put on my glad rags and put my best face forward for the night. And what a night it was. We had a six-course meal with matching wines, and each course was truly scrumptious. The Pigeon House is the former Delgany Inn and it is a beautiful space.
There were over 100 guests here in support of Dan and the charity, including Dan’s aunt Ann who welcomed us all and thanked us for our support. There were lots of raffle prizes too — the evening was a great success for this wonderful charity.
DAN was only five when his father died 20 years ago and it is wonderful to see how he has thrived, despite the tragedy. The whole evening warmed my heart, no mean feat on the day that was in it. As it turned out, it was the perfect thing to do that night, to attend a fundraiser for suicide.
Memories are all we have left of a person who has died, so just like Grainne Gault spoke of her ‘beautiful wee angel’ Elisha, when I speak of Andrew, I talk about my larger than life, very funny and charming, handsome son. He was six feet five inches, and I miss his big bear hugs where he would pick me right up off the ground.
When Dan’s aunt spoke about her own brother and friend, she echoed similar tones, describing how funny and charming he was and what a great joker he could be. She said he was the life and soul of every gathering.
This is interesting, as we may think someone we know is doing alright in life, particularly if they are outgoing with a smile on their faces and a joke on their lips.
The reality is, we don’t always know what’s really going on inside. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to tell. We had no idea Andrew was feeling less than his usual self, and we will always wonder if we missed some sign that could have prevented our baby leaving us like he did.
Like Mrs Gault, we tried to reach out to our Andrew’s friends and be as supportive as possible, especially throughout the first few months following his death, as we felt they were so young and vulnerable.
Five years on, his pals have grown up, and some of them still keep in touch and visit us, and his grave. It is heartwarming that they have not forgotten him. I hope they never do.
The Gaults have a long journey ahead. I wish I could tell Grainne that time heals a broken heart — but it doesn’t. However, life does become more bearable. Everyone deals with loss differently and the support of family and friends can never be underestimated. Our friends are always so supportive, especially around the time of birthdays and anniversaries, sending texts and making calls.
I hope the Gaults find some peace, as I know only too well the constant questioning and lack of answers, and the pain of not getting to say goodbye. I pray they get some comfort in knowing their daughter is at peace now.
I urge anyone with problems to speak with someone and ask for help. It is OK not to feel OK, and we need to continue the fight against the scourge of suicide from taking young precious lives all too soon.
In the words of Grainne Gault: ‘We need compassion and understanding, we need to let go of the negativity and fill our hearts with love and laughter.’
FOR help, advice and support, see samaritans.org; pieta.ie and 3ts.ie