He’s in his 60s but gets strange kissy messages
DEAR BEL
I am exhausted by my 25-year marriage. We’ve lived apart for ten years, the split following heartache and infidelity on both our parts.
I was his first wife when he was 41 and I was 11 years younger. Before marriage we spoke enthusiastically about having children, but once married he was dismissive, saying they would be my responsibility.
Our sex life faltered. I chose not to pursue the idea of kids, knowing his father left every time his mother was pregnant. I caught him on prostitute sites before we separated — now he gets messages saying, ‘What are you doing xxx’ etc.
I chose to give up a well-paid job to be self-employed in the care sector and I love it. My income has dropped by 80%, but I am happier. I am supporting myself from savings while I build my business. My problem is that my husband seems distracted and moody. We have talked about recombining homes, but I cannot entertain this if he’s up to his old tricks. I am in my 50s and don’t want to start again. But I also don’t want another painful split down the line.
We haven’t had sex for ten years and I can’t think of him like that now. If he wants to go elsewhere I understand, but he must tell me.
I strayed 12 years ago, but this is not an excuse, just a request for understanding of human fragility. Is there a recovery path? STEPHANIE
THIS strange letter leaves me as confused as you feel. You and your husband split ten years ago, yet somehow you have access to the man’s phone to read suspicious messages. How come?
You say he ‘seems distracted and moody’, implying you see him often enough to know. Why? You’re working hard to build up a business you love, yet are actually considering a return to the same roof as the man you neither trust nor desire.
You have asked him to be honest and warn you if he still fancies straying (in his 60s now, and getting strange kissy messages…) so you know where you are. That’s so odd. What’s more, there’s no glimmer of affection in your email.
To be blunt, I haven’t a clue why you think there could be a ‘recovery path’ when the prognosis seems pretty dire. I cannot come up with a single good reason for you to go back to living as man and wife — other than a fear of being on your own.
Yet you have had ten years of independence. So why would you consider returning to sharing a bed with a man you suspect of being habitually unfaithful? The one who dissuaded you from having a child?
You ask me ‘for understanding of human fragility’. That is easy to give, especially since I too have been a sinner and know the weakness of the flesh and the need for attention. But there comes a time when we have to stop self-flagellation and vow to be strong in re-making our lives.
A part of that process is conversation. During the ten years since you parted I hope that you and this man have discussed what went wrong and why you hurt each other so badly, why you haven’t divorced and what the future can hold when a marriage has effectively died.
Yes, you both have much more talking to do — and I hope you do. Yet if I were asked what outcome I would like to see, I’d wish you to remain single, while seeking new friends and enjoying your life.