I’m madly jealous of my husband’s work gal pal

DEAR BEL AT 33, I find myself with no one to talk to and feel you may be the only one to read my woes.

I married my university sweetheart in my 20s — three years later our first child arrived and, shortly after that, our second. We’ve had our ups and downs, but now I’m at the lowest I’ve been in a while.

My husband is another woman’s ‘knight in shining armour’. She’s his colleague, 24, and has just broken up with her boyfriend.

He invited her over when her ex was moving out, texts her each day and sees her at work. Now he’s acting as her advocate while she’s dealing with an inappropriate touch from another colleague.

If he was normally this caring, I wouldn’t have a problem, but I’ve had years of ‘I don’t care how you feel’ and being sworn at. He’s even hit me on occasion — but not since our children have come along.

This girl thinks my husband is fabulous. He is — but he’s there for her, while I’m the main earner and housekeeper. I’m jealous. I feel like I can’t talk about it or be sad.

He can’t see how it makes me feel. He’s even invited her over to stay! He said I can’t stop him from having friends — and I don’t want him to be isolated, which he has felt since we moved house. What can I do? MARNIE

YOUR husband is acting in a way most would judge unwise — or so it seems from your narrative. One very wrong thing is the fact that he hit you ‘on occasion’. Though you say this happened in the first three years of your marriage, and not once your children arrived — suggesting he was able to suppress violent instincts when you were students — I’d remind you that help is available to anyone who has been a victim of domestic violence, even if it was in the past.

But whatever happened then — and you don’t give details — it is clear you feel he has never been loving, that you feel utterly unappreciated, and that he has no sensitivity whatsoever to how you are feeling.

You find it impossible to talk to him about what’s happening now — and yet you agree with this woman he is helping that he is ‘fabulous’.

The truth is, for all his faults, you’re crazy about your husband — and jealous as you think he has his eye on someone else who is demanding (and getting) his attention.

As ever, I’d like to start with your children. It worries me that they may be affected by the strain at home, because although you don’t state you are having rows, it sounds as if the atmosphere is tense.

You say you have no one to talk to — but why? Don’t you have friends? Family? You could consult a professional counsellor on your own.

I feel that as a couple you two urgently need counselling — but you’re not going to persuade him while he believes he is being accused of bad behaviour. You will only have a chance if you convince him your children are being adversely affected by the atmosphere at home.

So, to lower your stress levels, try some deep breathing and tell yourself that his inviting this woman to your house is a chance for you to be in control of how you look and sound, while befriending her. Disarm her with sympathy and attention.

You need to be calm and strategic while you seek outside help.