Why stay at home mums have never had it so tough
They have given up their careers and social status to mind their children in increasingly isolated environments. And then there’s the judging brigade...
CATHERINE Walsh is busy. Very busy. As the mother of three young children, ranging in ages from eight months to five years old, her working day is more round-the-clock than nine to five.
Catherine has spent the last five years minding her children from home. She left her job as a pharmacist when her first son Conor was born, a decision she says was right for her family.
‘My husband is a pharmacist too, and the hours are not child-friendly,’ she says. ‘I made the decision to stop working, and I absolutely love being with my children.’
But Catherine is part of a dying breed. According to a recent report, now only one in five middle-class mothers chooses to leave work. This, in a large part, she says, is due to the Government’s approach to childcare.
‘The (Affordable Childcare) scheme as it stands does many parents no favours,’ says Catherine, commenting on the fact that the Government is once again debating putting more taxpayers money into subsiding childcare.
‘The current strategy just seems to be undermining parents ability to mind their own children, by driving younger and younger children out of the home. And by not allocating funding directly to parents, they are taking their choices away. There’s a huge financial strain of living on one professional salary,’ says the 37-year-old from Templeogue in Dublin.
‘After years of paying taxes now, not only am I being penalised financially by forfeiting my tax credits, I have to listen to people complaining that they have to work so mums like me can stay at home with my children. It’s really unfair.’
And on the other hand, our careerist society and our expectations are also trapping mothers in the workforce, as families struggle to pay childcare costs, which can be as high as a second mortgage.
‘We are quickly becoming a dual-income society, and there’s a lot of keeping up with the Jones’ to contend with,’ says Catherine, who is on the board of the Stay at Home Parents Association.
‘There’s a negative attitude towards mums who decide to stay at home to be with their children. We are pitied by some and not really respected, and seen by
It’s strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting ELIZABETH TAYLOR
some as under-educated or unemployable. I have two university degrees. I made the decision to stay at home for my family, and I am really happy with it. That’s not to say that I won’t return to work — I might do in the future. It’s about having a choice and for that choice to be respected.’
And while working mothers’ days are filled with adult interaction, more often than not a stay-at-home mum will have little communication with anyone on a day-to-day basis but their children.
‘The days of a village raising a child are long gone. Mums have breastfeeding groups but that’s about it. Everyone is so busy these days, you just tend to stay in touch with other mums and friends online. But it’s not the same as face-to-face contact.’
The lack of support systems in place is echoed by Claire Paye, who gave up an illustrious career in banking to concentrate on staying at home with her children.
‘Instinctively, I feel that I should be in some high-powered job, earning lots of money. But that wouldn’t necessarily be the best use of my degree,’ she recently wrote in her Oxford alumni newsletter.
‘It could be said that bringing up children is one of the most important roles in the world.’
Yet, Claire, who’s been a stay-at-home mother for 12 years, finds herself firmly in the minority for believing this.
Forty years ago, almost half of couples bringing up children were divided into a breadwinner and a full-time parent, invariably the mother. But the new dual-income society embraces working motherhood — and leaves full-time mums out in the cold.
Not working used to be a badge of honour, but now, even affluent mothers want the status a career brings. Where once those with a job may have felt judged for returning to work, career mothers are now so dominant that the reverse is true.
In professional circles, not only are you a rarity if you decide to stay at home after having children, but you are looked down upon, too, leaving an antipathy between the camps that is fiercer than ever.
‘Some stay-at-home mothers get asked: “So what do you do all day?” as if we’re skiving from “real” work,’ says Claire, who is married to Andy, 46, an export sales manager.
So, why the fierce competition? Lucy Johnson, a psychotherapist whose practice specialises in women, says: ‘One way of validating their own choice is to denigrate others’ decisions.’
She adds that, for many, ‘their identity is rooted in their work. They are scared of giving it up because that poses the question: “Who would I be without it?” ’
But that doesn’t mean they return to work unhindered by confusing feelings. ‘Guilt about the effect on their child is only one of a host of doubts they have. They also often feel jealous of the mother who can just stay at home and see her baby 24/7.’
Simmering tensions erupted online earlier this year when one mother posted a pointed question on Mumsnet asking what stay-athome mums really ‘do all day’.
The implication that working mothers have it tougher is clear. And those who retaliate by pointing out that new research vindicates those who eschew work in favour of childcare are shouted down.
BUT the facts speak for themselves. While childcare outside the home is thought to help socialise children, longer hours in nurseries or creches prompt higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol — as much as 67 per cent higher than at home.
This is backed up by the latest neuroimaging technology, which allows us to see the relationship between brain development and human interactions.
A baby’s brain is as malleable as playdough and, essentially, if they have an attentive, present mother, they develop a sense of security and confidence in communicating their needs. A less receptive environment, however, will leave them feeling anxious, fearful and unable to communicate.
‘More and more literature is pointing to the idea that a creche setting is not actually the best place for a child to be,’ says Catherine.
‘Many parents don’t realise the effect that long hours in a nursery have on children,’ Claire concurs. ‘It is a very difficult decision for any mother to return to work when her children are small and many tell me this makes them feel guilty.’
Claire’s decision is one that American psychologist Erica Komisar would applaud. She
‘Mothers used to sacrifice themselves for their children. Today, children are sacrificed for their mothers’
argues a mother’s unique role makes her irreplaceable for the first three years of a baby’s life. In her book, Being There: Why Prioritising Motherhood In The First Three Years Matters, she busts the myth that, when it comes to raising children, ‘quality time is better than quantity time’.
Ms Komisar, who has three teenage children and has worked from home since the eldest’s birth, goes so far as to suggest that the rise in diagnoses of ADHD and autism could be related to ‘the lack of consistent, intimate engagement of mothers’ with their children.
But the book has been widely regarded as offensive to working mothers.
Feminists branded Ms Komisar a ‘traitor’ who had set back the cause of working women.
She counters: ‘The feminist movement is all about choice, yet people won’t accept that some women will choose to stay home with their children, rather than carve out a professional role a man could be proud of. My book says that, yes, women can be high-fliers and, yes, they can be great mothers — but not both at the same time.’
Mother-of-six Anne Fennell, 42, agrees. In her late 20s, she was a publisher with a promising career ahead of her. She’d always assumed that she would return to work after having a baby but, at her son’s birth, she changed her mind.
‘My son’s birth absolutely overwhelmed me: “Wow,” I thought. “How can I give him to anyone else to be raised?”’Anne lives with her husband Peter and their six sons, who are between the ages of 16 and two. The family has had to rent a home, rather than buy one, and, last year, they faced difficulty when their landlord unexpectedly wanted the property back. But Anne feels it is absolutely worth the sacrifice and has no regrets.
‘Ours is a happy home and Peter and I have always agreed this setup is best for our family, no matter what anyone else says.’
Meanwhile, Jenny Knight, a 42-year-old mother-of-two admits: ‘There is an unspoken battle between working and stay-at-home mothers. My mother stayed at home to raise me — I benefited enormously from her being around.
‘I am sad that there is a whole generation that has lost out on this. Mothers used to sacrifice themselves for their children — but, today, children are sacrificed for their mothers.
When a mother wants to regain her professional life to get back to doing her own thing, children are expected to bear the cost.’
Jenny worked in corporate communications and was earning a good salary as a consultant by the time she and her chartered surveyor husband Toby had their first child five years ago.
Going from two salaries to one has forced some lifestyle changes — she and Toby have had to forgo foreign holidays and smart cars — but she says it’s worth it.
She believes that children prefer their mum to stay home, too. ‘My daughter sees well-dressed mothers rushing into school, rushing out, always too frantic to stop and talk to anyone. She calls them the “busy, busy mummies”.’ But not all stayat-home mothers are as impervious to criticism. Psychotherapist Lucy Johnson sees many who feel devalued.
She says: ‘I have to pick them up when they say: “I am just a stay-athome mum.” I have to remind them that, actually, they hold down the most important job of all. It’s tough, though. As a society, we don’t validate motherhood.’
Or not yet. Although the numbers who stay at home are dropping, there still could be a sea change as the impact of the working mother movement is truly felt.
Studies revealing that children who spend longer hours in childcare are more stressed, along with developments in neuroscience and alarming mental health statistics (one in ten teenage girls was referred to mental health services last year) may be turning the tide on attitudes — at least among the young.
Anne Fennell concludes: ‘The children of mothers who worked fulltime are now landing their first jobs and are looking to have flexible arrangements that will allow them to do more parenting at home. They don’t aspire to the 24/7 work their parents did.’
A generation that places a premium on emotional wellbeing and has the technology to deliver freedom from the workplace (with laptops and Skype video conferences) is more likely to value the stay-at-home mother.
Jenny Knight, for one, feels vindicated: ‘I am the progressive one now — all the research into the importance of the early years validates my choice.’
The battle is not over yet.