My daughter’s loneliness is breaking my heart

DEAR BEL

MY DAUGHTER (37) is beautiful and intelligent (a qualified teacher), but cannot work and is so lonely and depressed it breaks my heart.

She suffers from panic attacks and depression and because of this has no friends, no social life and no partner. She has a long-standing friend, a virtual recluse also plagued by mental health issues. He promises her the world, but lets her down and is emotionally abusive. She will not walk away, he is the only person she has.

Her so-called friends constantly let her down. She goes out of her way to be kind and thoughtful, but does not get the same from them.

She is not an easy person, however I cannot tell you how hard she tries to live a ‘normal’ life. She has had all the normal treatments, but nothing has worked. Her make-up, unfortunately, is in her genes.

We have supported her all her life, but fear she is going to be single and lonely always. I cannot tell you how painful it is for us.

What can we do for her? We just want her to be cared for and have a settled life with children of her own. Do you have any ideas?

EILEEN

BELIEVE me, I can easily imagine how hard it is for you as parents — because I, too, have a daughter that age and feel any problem she has like an ache (or a stab) in my heart. That’s what being a parent is like — and it never ends. How I feel for you.

It’s so difficult for me to give advice here, because you tell me ‘she has had all the normal treatments for her condition but nothing worked’. I imagine by this you mean GP referrals for counselling, or even drugs. Has she tried cognitive behavioural therapy? It has been seen to work in circumstances like these.

I am sure you know all these things already, but the websites mentalhealthireland.ie and aware.ie may be useful, and the mental health charity MIND has useful tips (go to

mind.org.uk and search for CBT). It seems obvious that your daughter’s ‘boyfriend’ is toxic. I can guess how much you wish he would just go away, yet realise you are powerless to make that happen.

I’m wondering if she has tried yoga — a spiritual, mental and physical practice that engages the whole self and helps achieve good breathing that’s absolutely essential. Pilates can help with that, too.

These potential ‘remedies’ may not be suggested by a GP, so it might be an idea to find out what is on offer nearby — and possibly accompany her to some sessions. You never know, something like that could let a gleam of light enter her life.

Might I just question two things in your letter? You attribute her problems to ‘her genes’ — which may or may not be true (I am no expert on mental health and genetics), but such fatalism contradicts the spirit in which you wrote.

You have to go on believing that your daughter can be helped, that change is possible, that whatever wound in her innermost self has caused her state can be healed.

The second point is your wistful longing that she can ‘have a settled life with children of her own’. I don’t honestly think it does you any good to dwell on that dream. It will only intensify your sadness at the worrisome present.

Far better to survey the situation one day at a time — otherwise it becomes overwhelming. Why not take your daughter out to lunch to talk things through? Present her with a pretty notebook and ask her to write down her thoughts each day, to tether them. This is a useful therapy. Then suggest an activity (as above) you can maybe share. And never lose hope.