Was it me who drove my miserable husband to drink?

Your task is not to seek for love But merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself That you have built against it.

DEAR BEL

I AM 62, married for many years, with two children living far from home.

My problem is my husband’s abuse of alcohol. Years ago he started secretly drinking at home and hiding the empty bottles. He lies constantly.

A while ago, after he ended up in hospital, he had counselling for a few months, but he never managed to fight the booze.

Our marriage has deteriorated so much I just don’t like him, let alone love him any more. I’ve lost all respect for him, as have our children. I’ve tried to interest him in activities, but he won’t try anything.

Since retiring, I’ve more or less done my own thing and dislike him more and more. Alcohol has taken over his life, but he covers it well. After a night on the booze he’ll drive the car next morning, denying he’ll still be over the limit.

I foolishly thought he could sort all this out, but have concluded he won’t and life will go on unhappily unless I take the initiative and do something.

A year or so ago I was going to move out, but he promised to sort himself out. I suggested Alcoholics Anonymous, but he denied he had a problem.

At least now he admits he has. He ended up in hospital again recently and is due to see a counsellor yet again — but I don’t hold out much hope.

He says he still loves me. (There’s been no physical contact for years.) He refuses to move out, so I’d have to be the one to leave.

This thought disturbs my sleep. I wake in the small hours worrying about how I’ll cope on my own, but in the morning remind myself I’ve run the house for years without his help.

I’m quite a sociable person normally, but my confidence is low and I’m afraid of loneliness. I sometimes wonder if it’s all my fault, as I’m constantly nagging him because he just annoys me so much. He’s not a bad person and has never been cruel to me, but our marriage has soured. I ask myself — is this what the rest of my life will be like?

LINDA

ONCE again I read and re-read a letter to which there is no obvious reply (see also the second one on today’s page) — simply because tried-and-tested advice seems to have failed.

In the same postbag as yours, I received a very short email from S, married for 32 years, who writes: ‘I love my husband now just as much as ever. I also believe he loves me, however there is definitely a third person in our marriage — drink.

‘Things are particularly difficult at the moment as he was made redundant a few months ago and he’s found it hard to get even interviews, no matter how many agencies he’s with. I just don’t know what to do. He’s a lovely, kind man when not hungover, but not very nice at other times and I’m fed up with it all.’

Obviously, the first advice I would give S would be to try to get her husband proper help for his addiction as well as counselling for the problem (being out of work) that is making it worse.

If you put ‘Help for alcohol abuse’ or similar words into a search engine, various avenues of help open up. And al-anon-ireland.org has much to offer the families of alcoholics. But the significant difference between these two emails is that S still loves her husband while you, Linda, do not.

You are locked into a cycle of misery: with no respect for your husband, you take it out on him which (you guess) leads him to drink all the more.

Have you discussed this with your children? Are they a source of support, even if they live far away? Might you go for an extended stay, telling him to think things over seriously while you’re away?

I think this would be a good start — and might even shock him into realising he must act.

You certainly need help in working out a plan for the rest of your life, so I urge you to be honest with your children.

Failing that, do you have enough money to rent a bedsit, even temporarily?

It seems to me you are in serious need of breathing space, before you two end up destroying each other.

It might help you to book a counselling session on your own, to help clarify the issues that keep you awake. At 4am, everything seems worse and your mind jumps through hoops. Focus on that strong morning self which says: ‘I can run my own life — because I always have.’

You tell me that you have thought of writing many times, but have been too scared. Of what? That I might encourage you to be brave and step forward into your own life? Think of the years ahead and act now to make them better.