I’ve given up wine and it’s wrecking my marriage

Solve your sex, love & life troubles

TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems...

QA FEW months ago, I turned 50 and decided to give up alcohol. I’d been thinking about doing it for ages just to look after my good health and lose a little weight.

I feel much better for it, but it’s created a huge amount of tension with my husband. He can’t seem to accept it.

I never realised how much of our social life revolved around alcohol: dinner with friends; Sunday lunches; any kind of celebration. My husband and I would normally have a couple of glasses of wine together in the evening, too.

Now he feels guilty when he opens the bottle and is convinced I’m judging him — which I’m not. I feel bad for him, as he doesn’t seem to be able to have a good time when I’m sober. Me not having alcohol seems to have ruined drinking for him.

To make matters worse, it’s impacting our sex life. I just don’t find him attractive when he is drunk and I’m sober.

I was doing this for me, but now it’s affecting our relationship. What should I do?

STEPH SAYS:

I APPLAUD you for making a radical change to your lifestyle. I’m sure you have a great sense of achievement and I support you in wanting to be healthier and lose weight if you need to, but you seem surprised your husband is bothered by your decision.

How could you think he wouldn’t be bothered? You’re changing the rules of the game halfway through, and there’s bound to be fallout from that.

You say he is taking your abstemiousness personally. Well, of course he is. It is personal! I’m sceptical when you say you don’t mind if he doesn’t join you on the wagon. I think you would love nothing better.

When you fall in love with someone, you don’t get to change your mind about their habits later on. The fact that you wish to change does not mean he has to do the same.

You’re making him feel guilty for the fact that he doesn’t want to stop. We are constantly reminded that drinking to excess is dangerous, but there is a huge difference between social drinking and compulsive drinking, and nothing in your letter tells me either of you are suffering from the latter.

Many of us love a drink. It’s part of our culture. We see it as a reward at the end of a long day, and we share it with our friends and family. A cold, crisp glass of something delicious is one of life’s greatest pleasures. This shouldn’t be denied anyone, and shouldn’t be forced on anyone, either. The one thing I agree with you on is that nobody finds anyone sexy when they’re drunk.

I have been sober over the years, through pregnancy and beyond, and I remember well that there’s nothing more annoying than a husband who’s three sheets to the wind when you’re stone-cold sober.

But here’s the thing. Any mother knows how tedious it is to stop drinking — it’s not a choice when you’re pregnant, but it’s not that hard, either, because it’s temporary. You’ll drift back towards your nightly glass or two together. Because that’s the key here — you drift back together.

At the moment, you are making life changes without your husband’s input, and I suspect that’s at the heart of his reaction. He’s feeling judged.

You need to expressly give him permission to carry on enjoying his drink. Remind him that you’re not judging him. Then try to let him make his own decisions, including allowing him to feel he supports you in yours.

One other thing. If this is really about weight loss, you might consider giving up something else. After all, nobody falls out if their wife gives up chocolate, cake or carbs.

DOM SAYS:

FIRSTLY, congratulations for making the wise decision to cut back. For many of us our drinking habits are nothing more than that — habit. But we’re not getting any younger and if you considered yourself to be a heavy drinker, then taking steps to cut down can be a good thing. You are certainly correct when you say that, once sober, you see booze everywhere. And parties are definitely no fun when you’re the sober one, and the same goes for sex. While I think your intentions are good, I think the execution has been hasty. Your husband is feeling left out of your life, the poor thing! After all, he’s lost his drinking buddy. The poor chap’s been left in the lurch just because he still enjoys a few drinks. You have wandered away from him. He’s probably feeling unwanted and incredibly uncomfortable. This is not going to change if you carry on in this mode. You’re simply going to drift further and further apart. I think you should sit down with your husband and a small glass of wine and have a chat about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Is there a way of restarting? A couple of sober nights during the week, a few nights where he drinks and you don’t and one or two where you both have one or two together? If you really do just want a flatter tummy and a clearer head, then why don’t you try to find a middle ground which doesn’t exclude your husband from your life? He deserves to be invited on this journey you’re undertaking.