My heartless sister won’t help care for our mum

DEAR BEL

TWENTY-FIVE years ago, I returned to the family home after a relationship ended. I always intended to move on, but my father became terminally ill and I stayed, taking on all bills and responsibility for my mother.

Initially she was quite independent and we both pursued our own interests. I met someone (now my partner of 20 years) and juggled our relationship (between our respective homes) and my responsibilities towards my mother.

However, since retiring three years ago, I’ve given up a challenging career to become a full-time carer for a (now) difficult, confused, controlling and critical 90- year-old parent.

This has affected my relationship with my partner and my own physical health, because I overeat and drink as a way of self-soothing. I often feel desperate, sad, alone, and not sure how (or if) I’ll cope in future. Luckily I have friends in similar circumstances, so we have a therapeutic moan and giggle.

My married older sister (who lives a distance away) regards our mother as my sole responsibility. She considers weekly telephone calls sufficient and I find it impossible to engage with her about our mother’s care.

I cannot arrange short breaks without my sister’s co-operation, given grudgingly as she must care for our mother in my absence.

I feel very resentful towards my sister. What can I do to preserve my own health, sanity and relationship with my mother and my patient partner without compromising my relationship with my sister? How can I encourage her to be more co-operative?

CAROL

AS you say in your email, many people will recognise this stressful and sad situation. You gave as your subject: Who cares for the carers? This question will become more urgent as so many babyboomers are now growing old.

You went home for a brief respite all those years ago, but became ambushed by family love and duty. And there you are still, feeling sad and angry with the sister who doesn’t seem to care.

It’s not my place to console you with platitudes about the sanctity of the family that drive people mad when ground down by the needs of aged parents. This subject is so serious I have a feeling of helplessness as there are no easy answers.

Your central question concerns your sister, but first I must say there is support for carers out there from charities like Family Carers Ireland

(familycarers.ie). The HSE website has a Carers Support section that has useful information which may also help.

You really must take care of yourself. It worries me that you are using caring for your mother as an excuse for indulging in food and alcohol and harming your own health. You may not feel in control of your life but this is one thing you can control.

Really. You need to enlist the help of your devoted partner to work out a different way of living: a diet, exercise, generally taking care of yourself for your own sake and for his, too.

He has stuck with you all these years: I’d like you to realise how lucky that is and regard it as the balance to your mother’s demands.

As for your sister, this is hard. You are entitled to a holiday away, so I suggest that if your sister doesn’t want to stay more than a couple of days, she help organise respite care.

Your mother might complain, but that is something you must learn to weather. You must exercise a little selfishness, to mind your self worth.