I fear my husband has fallen for his personal trainer

DEAR BEL

I AM very stressed about and suspicious of my husband’s relationship with his personal trainer. She is single and much younger, and he goes to her for sports injuries.

They obviously get on very well — they keep texting each other and at times, meet up privately. I found out by chance and it took a lot of courage to confront him, as I didn’t want to be seen as unreasonable and jealous.

He denied there was anything going on between them, claiming she is not his type. His explanation was that they go out training together so she can help with his injuries.

The texting was just banter between friends, he said, even though she was telling him lots of personal things which one would only share with very close friends. He would not agree to stop seeing her for treatment. I think she has been leading him to believe she has healing hands to soothe his aches and pains, not forgetting her fees as well.

However, he agreed the texting was at times too personal and it would stop. My husband was frank with me for a while but I feel they are in contact again — or has it ever stopped?

I have tried to see things his way but it is not easy with him being secretive, and with her constantly in the background.

Can a man have an innocent friendship with a single female who can be quite needy, has no boundaries professionally and as a person, does not care about any consequences that could affect a marriage and family?

KELLY

RECENTLY I read an interesting discussion (on an online chat forum for men) which debated whether friendships between men and women can be truly innocent. must be something there’. Others were convinced that men and women can be good friends with no sex in the air at all.

Of course, I know both views are ‘the truth’. An ‘innocent friendship’ between a man and a woman can develop from an initial flirtation yet remain platonic; on the other hand, old friends can become lovers. There are no rules.

But let me bring in another letter here. This is from ‘Anja’ who says: ‘I found out when I was eight months pregnant that my husband was in regular contact with another woman during the first six months of us dating.

‘When I saw the messages he forgot to delete, I was incensed. He would stay up until 2am writing to her and suggest coffee even though he was seeing me.

He says they were just talking and calls me bipolar for being mad at him. It’s been nearly two years and I’m still furious but he just laughs it off with, ‘Well, nothing we can do about it now’.

‘His attitude makes me angrier and I feel I can’t trust him as I did before I discovered his betrayal. During one of our fights about this I even threatened divorce.

Am I over-reacting? Did he cheat?’

I told you there are no rules — but will withdraw that right now. The vital rule in an avowedly committed relationship is to treat the person you love in the way that you yourself want to be treated. That is the golden mantra of ethics, of religion and of love.

Kelly and Anja, you are writing about mere suspicion, with no proof infidelity has happened. But you have good reason to be annoyed because you have been disregarded by a man whose attention was elsewhere when he should have been focusing on your (and his) children.

Your heart tells you that a partner who is flirting and giving his attention elsewhere is unfaithful in spirit, if not in the flesh.

Such a partner is treating you with disrespect. That can lead quite easily to contempt — which is fatal to any partnership.

And by the way, using the serious term ‘bipolar’ to sneer at a jealous partner seems to me to be very low indeed.

As you, Kelly, suggest in your last sentence, the world is full of women who are cavalier about breaking up committed relationships and marriages, even when there are children. It has always been the case and always will be — but let’s not forget that dangerously exciting sexual behaviour (even with no sex) intoxicates both genders.

This is a problem as old as humanity — and therefore I have no solution. The question is, how to manage the situation? Surely you need to stay calm, focus on what you want (the marriage) and act strategically.

Getting to know the other woman can help. It may sound silly, but if a woman who seems to threaten your marriage knows you as a person and not just as ‘the wife’ it can inhibit reckless behaviour. Just a thought.

Another strategy is to shrug and say, ‘Fine, you carry on — and you won’t mind if I go out with X for a drink, will you?’ X being a guy you like.

I’m a great believer in the low cunning that turns you into a survivor, not a victim.

Good luck to you both. But be cool, not angry.