I’M A GRANNY USED AS FREE CHILDCARE

DEAR BEL,

I CARE for my grandson, aged five, while my daughter and son-in-law work and I love my time with him. I’ve done this for nearly three years, taking him to school, sometimes attending daytime events.

At weekends, my daughter and her husband want their son to themselves, which I understand. But they regularly invite my sonin-law’s mother and partner to join them on day trips and weekends away, saying they need quality time with their grandson as well.

Those grandparents work fulltime and enjoy a luxuriant lifestyle. I have no issue with this, but now and again think it would be nice if I was invited along. I’m told I am selfish even to suggest it, as I have enough time with him. I feel that mine is the hard slog with none of the pleasure. I’m just building memories at the school gate and in my living room with my grandson.

I’ve wondered if my daughter is jealous that she can’t be home fulltime, but I also think she is using me. My husband says I should get myself a job and let them sort out their own childcare and pay for it.

But if I did that I’d hardly see my grandson. I’m only asking for an odd day to take him out or even occasionally go along with them. JULIA

SIX years ago, I wouldn’t have understood this letter. Empathy and imagination are wonderful, but some experiences need to be felt, and that’s the case with a grandparent’s woes. Let me say that you are obviously a wonderful granny and that little boy is very lucky — as are his parents.

Every grandmotherly fibre in my body sympathises with you — but issues a warning as well. I’ve had many letters from mothers miserable at the way their daughters and sons treat them. Such problems are heartbreaking — and should put yours in perspective.

I know that five-year-olds are hard work, but grandparents who are deprived of seeing their grand children would cry out in envy of your position.

When you talk of ‘building memories at the school gate and in my living room’, you are describing something infinitely precious which shouldn’t be diminished by that small word ‘just’.

You are the adult this little boy chats to about his day. You are the one he will tell if someone was mean to him. Not so much ‘hard slog’, surely?

Don’t you play games, do drawings, have fun? Your time with him is so precious — and to be treasured. You have him to yourself, one-to-one. The other grandparents may be rich (and you may feel a tad envious), but they can’t give him what you do.

Here’s the thing: your daughter is quite right to say that the other grandparents need time with the boy. At the same time, I certainly don’t think you are selfish to wish to be invited out now and then.

But, you know, the situation will change as he grows older. At some point, he will demand that you come with them all to the zoo, or wherever. An eight-year-old is listened to!

In the meantime, I disagree with your husband and believe you should continue as you are. Moaning is counter-productive.

Yes, daughters can be a bit selfish, but that goes with the territory. In your place, I’d make the time that sweet grandchild spends with me the best ever . . . and be patient.