My lover of 21 years has left me and I cry every day

Lord, when I look at lovely things which pass, Under old trees the shadows of young leaves Dancing to please the wind along the grass, Or the gold stillness of August sun on the August sheaves; Can I believe there is a heavenlier world than this? CHARLOTTE MEW (POET, 1869-1928)

DEAR BEL

IN 1997, after my marriage finally ended, I went to work for a small firm. My employer and I began a relationship which lasted until August 2017.

He was living apart from his wife when we met. He returned ‘for financial reasons’, but our relationship continued, mainly as friends and colleagues with the occasional evening out, daytime love-making and friendly coffees and chats.

His wife caught him out twice and he disappeared to try to make things work at home. The second time this happened (2004), I made plans to retire (I’d stopped working for him by then) and move to Greece.

He called me from time to time during my three years abroad. I told him when I was returning; the day after I arrived home, he was outside my house. He said living with his wife was now like living with a sister. Our affair began again. He visited almost every day and we were able to go abroad and enjoyed wonderful times.

But our last holiday was terrible. He was distant and ill-tempered. Four months later, in August 2017, he ended it with little explanation.

I’ve since discovered he’d left home before the holiday. He’s now living just around the corner from me, in one of his many rental properties, and using dating websites. I cannot describe the hurt and pain; I’m now under the care of a mental health team for anxiety, which shows no sign of abating.

We share a piece of road leading to our respective homes. We’ve spoken (at my instigation) to try to clear the air and had an occasional coffee. Any conversation about ‘us’ is quickly deflected, but he did admit that his marriage broke up because of me.

If he’d told me, I’d have tried to support him. He has trouble discussing emotions and I doubt he’ll contact me again. It seems I’m expected to accept his choice of home and not mind if I see him with another woman.

I’ll be 70 next year (he’s 64), but ten months on, I’m desolate and devastated, crying each day. I was happy with how things were between us, would never have made demands and just enjoyed our time together.

My friends have been wonderful, but the nearest one is 30 minutes’ drive away. I have never felt so alone in my life.

I’m volunteering at a hospice, have joined a new choir, and enrolled in a doggy holiday homes service to try to broaden my life. But I still have too much time alone, thinking.

I feel sick when I imagine him with other women. We shared so much over 21 years and my life feels empty without him. AUDREY

DO YOU, I wonder, feel that you have wasted 21 years of your life on this man? It’s an important question. If you do feel that way, then it surely negates all the love, the laughter and all those lovely holidays, doesn’t it?

But if you don’t feel it was a waste of time, then for all the hideous complications, the secrecy, the disappointment, the heartbreak, surely you demonstrate the truth of Tennyson’s words: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all.’

Honestly, I would first like you to think about what I say and find it in your heart to be glad of the good times. When we make that resolve, even in the midst of hurt, we put ourselves back in control of life.

For ten months you have been mourning your lost love, and I understand your feelings of loss and loneliness.

Yet somehow I suspect that writing to me has marked the beginning of a new stage. I give you full marks for your activities and rejoice that you sound determined (for all your tears) not to go under. It’s as if you have looked in the mirror and vowed to face the next stage of your life with courage and determination.

I noticed you did not end your letter with a question, just a statement. No doubt you knew there is nothing for me to say. What’s done is done.

Yet I would ask you to reflect on the fact that this man you loved is not your friend. Your uncut email told me that’s what you valued about the relationship. Yet he let you down and now doesn’t want to talk.

It is now time to convince yourself that a man who is useless at talking about emotion is pretty boring and you could do a lot better.

You are approaching a big birthday, which still sounds young to me! Surely it’s time to build on what you are already doing?

At 69, you have so much energy, so much love still to give the world. So why don’t you move house?

You’re the woman who upped sticks to live in Greece for three years, so why are you hanging around, dreading a glimpse of him with a new lady outside your house? I wouldn’t.

I’d leave that man behind with his dating websites, put my home on the market, find a great new place near my best friend, meet new people and travel.