Should I finally reveal my sister’s dark secret?

DEAR BEL,

MY SISTER had an affair with a married man who said he’d leave his wife, but never did.

Over 30 years ago she had his child, whom she brought up alone. The man’s wife passed away two years ago and my sister got in touch to offer condolences — and they are seeing each other again.

Time and time again, my sister has promised she would tell her son who his father is — but fails to do so. Meanwhile, he thinks this man is just his mum’s boyfriend. Knowing what I do, I feel deceitful. She has protected this man and his family with her silence.

Now the man’s three daughters have found out he’s seeing someone and demanded he not have another woman in the family home. Of course, they know nothing about the affair. My sister gets belligerent when I suggest she tells the truth to her son.

I just want to achieve some peace of mind for her and honesty as a family. What do you suggest? HILARY

DARK secrets within a family usually fester, until at last there is no cure. If that sounds pessimistic, it’s because I know something about this at first hand — in the end it becomes impossible to tell the truth, until one day it comes out (some way or other) and causes heartache. All the years when people might have talked, shared consolation, come to terms with everything, are wasted. Irretrievable.

I think your sister has been wrong to keep her secret — but not (perhaps) as wrong as her chap, who deceived his wife and daughters.

It takes little imagination to see why it all happened. Your sister was obviously deeply in love — and so was he. Why else would they have come back together now? When people love where they shouldn’t, deceit is inevitable. This situation is as old as humanity.

But while I try to avoid passing judgment unless people are being hurt, here people are being hurt, and will be damaged much more the longer your sister keeps her secret.

You say she ‘protected this man and his family with her silence’ and some might consider that quite selfsacrificing. But this mother has also sacrificed her son on the altar of her forbidden love. It’s hard to know how she can look him in the face when her ‘fatherless’ son cheerily greets the man who is actually Dad.

Of course, the man’s daughters have absolutely no right to dictate whether he has a new lady. So far so bad, but imagine their response if they knew the truth. Their hurt and anger would be catastrophic… and yet they have a half-brother, and he might like to have siblings.

This is like the convoluted plot of a novel or a film you know will end in tears. You ask what I suggest — and I’m pulling my hair. I see no happy outcome, I’m afraid, but seriously advise you to keep your counsel.

It is not your place to decide how your sister will achieve ‘peace of mind’ and the longed-for ‘honesty’ could destroy everybody. The only people who can decide what to do are your sister and her lover — and if they choose to take their secret to the grave, then so be it.

I recognise the sincerity of your anguish that your nephew is being deceived, but this cannot be about your feelings. Or the truth. It is a timelessly sad story of messy, sinful humanity — and I have no remedy.