My husband won’t forget dead wife and move on

DEAR BEL,

I GOT married in April this year. My husband and I were previously happily married for more than 40 years, but in 2015 both our partners died in our local hospice — where we met four months later at a group counselling session.

We both feel very lucky to have found each other and have a lovely marriage most of the time.

My husband has spells of moodiness. He said his first wife used to ignore it, eventually making him laugh. For a day or two I can ignore his moods but I do get miserable and tell him how much they affect me. So far he’s managed to give himself a talking to and got back to normal. And he’s getting better.

He still carries a photo of his first wife in his wallet. I said I felt uncomfortable with this, and he tucked it under his driving licence (still in his wallet) and asked for a photo of me. He now has both photos, side by side, in full view again.

I feel there are three of us in this marriage! Am I selfish and wrong for feeling this way?

SHIRLEY

WHILE it’s easy to understand how you feel, it might make you happier if you take these feelings of hurt and give them a little shake.

It would be terrible if you allowed them to spiral unchecked, like the bindweed that chokes a flower. You and your husband shared so much even before you met. You each experienced the sorrow of watching a beloved spouse die in pain. You were both devastated and sought help in counselling — where you met.

Looking at the timing of your marriage you didn’t rush into it — no doubt wary of that inevitable feeling of betraying the beloved dead.

So here you are with a second shot at happiness in a peaceful older age. How fortunate you are to be able to take care of each other at this time.

But do we cast off our pasts like a butterfly’s chrysalis? Of course not. We carry the past with us, always.

I cherish the photograph of my exhusband and me at our daughter’s graduation, and I have a picture of him with others in my Filofax. Why wouldn’t I after 35 years of marriage? My second husband doesn’t mind in the least. We had a ‘new start’ — building on the past, no denying it.

When you told your second husband you didn’t like him gazing at his late wife’s image (and he hid the picture), that act probably tore him up with sadness and guilt — as if he had denied all she was to him.

So when you gave him a picture of yourself, and he put them side by side, he was able to honour the past

and the present. It must have given him a feeling of immense relief.

You mention his moods — not easy to deal with. But why not listen to what he told you when he said his first wife ignored him then made him laugh? Rein in your heavy-handed need to sit him down for a talk about ‘how much his mood is affecting our relationship’. It won’t help. You need to be lighter, to smile, to distract.

How can there be ‘three of you in this marriage’ if one of that trio can no longer smell the air after rain or feel the sunlight? Surely (and I say this with gentleness) it is not sensible to be jealous of a ghost?

If I were you I would put a picture of both my husbands in my purse — and be thankful for all the love you have known.