LOVE is the drug to keep you YOUNG
LOVE and sex — life might be miserable without them and research increasingly shows that they play a key role in helping us live longer, by warding off the diseases of old age and boosting recovery. Here, in the final part of our unique series on age-proofing your life, we look at how to ensure you can reap the benefits . . .
RELATIONSHIPS take on a particular significance as we get older. Indeed, a recent survey revealed that a large number of over-50s believe that relationships are the most important factor in a happy later life.
They’re right. More than one study has shown that marriage is good for health. In 2016, for example, a team of academics estimated that married people were 14 per cent less likely to die after a heart attack than singletons.
For more and more people, the issue is not maintaining a strong personal relationship, but finding love for the second time. These days more and more people over 60 are finding themselves in that situation, possibly due to a loss of the stigma associated with ending a marriage.
A second marriage or late-life relationship can seem like a ‘triumph of hope over experience’, in the words of the 18th-century sage Samuel Johnson.
After a seperation, divorce or bereavement, people in middleage (and older) often rebel against tiptoeing into old age alone and long to walk hand-inhand with a loving companion. It’s a sweet thought. But it might not be so easy.
How hard is it to ‘recover’ from loss — whether through death or separation? And, once you have, how do you meet new people?
Getting back into dating can often lead to disappointment and even acute demoralisation. But the search for love a second time around starts because the heart will always seek a home.
So, how to go about it?
FORGET YOUR USUAL ‘TYPE’
IT ALWAYS bothers me when I read the conditions people attach to hoped-for partners. A woman will write that she ‘only’ likes ‘tall men’ — but she has only to look at Rod Stewart and his taller wife Penny Lancaster (clearly blissfully married) to realise that height has nothing to do with happiness.
Meanwhile, there are men (too many) who have reached their 60s or 70s, yet look for girlfriends in their 40s. Get real. Why miss out on the perfect companion — good-looking, loving, sharing his interests — just because they happen to be a vivacious 58?
Deciding that you will only consider someone who fits narrow-minded requirements based on appearance, income or age will only damage your chances of finding a new love.
Consider whether it’s your heart or your vanity laying down the law. And realise that somebody who doesn’t share your interests could well prove the old adage that opposites attract.
I’ve witnessed unlikely, but very happy, unions between people who might be described as ‘an odd couple’ (that actually fits my second husband and me, as he loves motorbikes and I’m a book addict!). All of us need to open our minds to the infinite possibilities out there — and not lock doors without bothering to see what lies behind them first.
TIME TO REVEAL A NEW YOU . . .
INTERNET dating sites are often daunting for older people — and they’re pretty scary for younger folk, too. I know people who have had good experiences and others who hated the whole business, so all I can say is that it’s worth giving it a try.
The question ‘why not?’ should be at the heart of your search for new love. Why not give internet dating a whirl — but then, for heaven’s sake, also step away from the computer and go out!
Why not join, say, The Ramblers walking charity? Even if you’re usually lazy, you’ll turn over a new leaf, meet people and keep fit. Or investigate the University of the Third Age and get the brain cells fit, too. Learn a new language. Volunteer. Trying out new activities and joining clubs are staples of advice columnists’ counsel — for very good reason. This is all about making yourself more interesting. If you make the decision to try to find a new partner, you first have to get creative with your own life.
If you dream about the excitement and joy new love can bring, then first consider how you can recreate your very own self.
After all, that’s the easy place to start . . . making
yourself anew. If that means a fresh hairstyle or casting a critical eye over your wardrobe, so be it.
I am always astonished to find that men will turn up looking scruffy to meet a new lady. Get your act together! If you want to find love, make an effort.
DON’T WORRY ABOUT A SPARK
SO MANY people despair of meeting ‘The One’ — when he or she might well be somebody they know already.
Sometimes, old friends can turn into life companions (I don’t use the cliché ‘lovers’, as too much emphasis on sex is potentially damaging) and you wonder why you never noticed how special that person was.
Friendship is at the heart of this whole subject, because it’s one of the four ancient Greek words used for love (philia). The others are affection (storge), passion or romance (eros) and charity (agape).
So I find it really sad that so many older people become obsessed with romance (usually women) and sex (usually men) when these are obstacles to finding a good relationship.
Again and again, my advice column in the Mail reveals how these ‘romantic’ delusions can get in the way of finding contentment a second time around — if you are not inter-
ested in friendship, you are unlikely to find lasting love.
Older people who go on one date and then leave it ‘because there was no spark’ might be missing a trick.
Think of the difference when you make a platonic friend. Do you expect bells and whistles when you pal up with a new person? No, you get to know them and realise that, even if you are different, you can enjoy each other’s company.
When it comes to dating, instead of expecting lightning bolts, try to realise the value of thinking: ‘I may not love you (yet), but I like you.’
And, on the subject of liking, ask how much you like yourself. Would you be your own friend? It’s a good question before you put yourself out there.
CELEBRATE THE FACT YOU’VE CHANGED
ALL of us change as we become older and it’s vital to learn that such shifts in how we look and feel are positives.
Yes, there are wrinkles — but you can make the best of yourself. Yes, there’s a bit of a paunch — but that’s nothing a bit of exercise and a good diet won’t put right. No, you don’t look the same or feel as sexy as you used to — but honestly, aren’t you much more confident and fun?
I believe we can all reinvent ourselves — and that it is exciting (as well as essential) to accept that we are not the same people we were at age 20 or 30.
Given the option, would you go back and repeat your mistakes? Or would you rather look forward and celebrate the fact that, through all the stages of our lives, we shift, change, develop, grow?
That’s why people who cling to their preconceived notions (‘Oh, I’ve always had a weakness for bad boys’) are doomed to disappointment and pain.
If you cling tightly to old notions, old delusions, you’ll be dragged down. Cast them off and you’re liberated to float towards new experiences and (hopefully) new love.
If I were you, I’d take up a stretching and breathing exercise such as Pilates, too, as it will improve essential flexibility — in body and soul. I’m serious.
SECRETS TO A LONG RELATIONSHIP
NOBODY ever said marriage was easy. Surveys show it’s good for your health — but I can already hear those who feel trapped in a less-than-happy union saying: ‘Yeah, right!’
Many marriages run into trouble early on, when romance has died, children cause stress, bills pile up and, suddenly, the longed-for state of matrimony feels like a prison.
That stage is dangerous, but can be weathered, especially if a couple learns to share everything from childcare and domestic chores to emotional worries.
This may sound obvious, yet it’s far from clear how to sustain a loving relationship through the decades.
There is no magic formula, although (obviously) sharing and talking is key.
How can a couple reconnect with each other through the years? In fact, I believe all my essential rules for finding love a second time around can be applied within long-term relationships, too.
Being flexible, accepting that each of you is changing, trying new things (and I am not talking about sexual positions!), learning together, being the best of tolerant friends, supporting each other in different interests, making an effort with how you look...all are just as important in long-lasting loves as in a new courtship.
The miraculous thing about successful marriages is their ability to change and stay the same, so that the couple sees within each other the man and woman who fell in love, as well as rejoicing in the maturity of ever-changing faces, figures and minds.
But how do you go on living with serious imperfection? The straight answer is that if a couple know they are bad for each other — and possibly for their children, too — they should seek counselling.
It really can work — even if it only helps them part in a civilised manner. But, to be positive, long relationships can be remade, as a couple realises that being ‘out there’ alone might be a lot worse than working to improve what they have. That means — of course — talking, talking, talking.
If sex is an issue then, again, counselling is a very good idea, rather than just suffering in frustrated silence.
Here, I would add one note of reassurance. In our highly sexualised society, older men and women can be deluded into thinking sex is a necessity, a right and absolutely essential to a happy relationship. Actually, it’s not.
You would be surprised how many devoted couples are quite relieved to reach companionable security in the peace and quiet of their cosy double bed.
With all due respect to sex therapists, I’d murmur subversively that cuddles are more important than copulation.
Finally, no marriage will succeed unless you put your partner first.
That means treating them as you wish to be treated, listening as you long to be listened to, having no important secrets and understanding the meaning of ‘in sickness and in health’.
All long-lasting marriages, especially where parenthood is involved, include equal selfsacrifice, mutual respect and ongoing effort, to the very end.