Áras race? Here are ten things I’d much rather we vote on...
IT appears there is to be an election at the end of next month. In spite of the incumbent’s huge approval rating and stated desire not to have to move to a smaller house – not to mention a summer of sighing over the prospect of a poll – the die is cast and the cast is assembling.
At the time of writing, we have three confirmed candidates for the presidency; though given how fast this bandwagon is rolling, by the time you read this (some hours from now), there may be dozens. For example, I can think of at least three other Dragons who have somehow yet to declare their intention to run. And once we get beyond that television programme and start into the cast of Fair City, there may be hundreds more.
I don’t know about you, but if I must go to the polls on October 26 in order to rate former reality TV stars in the order of my favourite, then I’d like the journey to be worth my while. There are, after all, bigger problems facing us at the moment than ranking a list of people with a worryingly poor grasp of what’s involved in being Ireland’s first citizen. Here, then, are some other issues I’d very much like to vote on while I’m down there, so to speak.
1. THE GRAND STRETCH
Even though no country in Europe enjoys the Grand Stretch in the evenings quite as much as we do, some of our EU masters want to abolish daylight saving without as much as a byour-leave. A vote might be the only way to stop such a proposal. Vote early (even though it will be dark) and often.
2. ROY KEANE
It is not beyond the realms of possibility that one day we might find Keane’s name on the list of Áras hopefuls, but for now, we the people should decide if the volcanic Corkman should stay on as assistant manager in a national setup that increasingly seems like a bad soap opera. God knows we all seem to have a strong opinion on the saga.
3. SERENA WILLIAMS
Is it possible to remain on Team Serena if you secretly think that she over-stepped the mark? Is it possible to be a feminist if you quietly don’t think the veteran tennis star’s treatment by umpire Carlos Ramos was sexist? These are the hard questions – and only we can decide the answers.
4. SHOULD THE ALL-IRELAND FINALS HAVE BEEN MOVED TO AUGUST?
Actually, that’s a pretty clear-cut one as far as I’m concerned. You can put me down for a No, and if there’s a supplementary question about the Super Eights, I’ll also give that short shrift.
5. SHOULD WE PULL OUT OF THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST?
Look, we’re going to have to ask ourselves this sooner or later, and given the high-camp element of the Presidential election, October 26 seems like a good time to settle it. Even with the energy of international outrage over our Ryan being banned from Chinese TV this year, we still couldn’t win it. Hard questions. Tough times.
6. ÁRAS DOGS
Given the unprecedented success of Bród and Síoda in their ceremonial canine roles over the past few years, should it be compulsory for future presidents to have dogs? Kevin Sharkey already has one – and obviously Roy Keane will be way ahead of the pack in future contests – but what about the Dragons? Are they even allowed keep dogs, or is there a fear they’d eat them? We need to know.
7. IS IT TOO EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS ADS?
Should we declare a moratorium of sorts on broadcasting anything involving Santa, snow or gluttony until after Halloween? If we still adhere to ‘cast ne’er a clout till May is out’, should we consider ‘cast ne’er a mince pie till Samhain’s gone by’?
8. SHOULD MARTY MORRISSEY BE THE NEXT JAMES BOND? 9. IN A POST-BREXIT LANDSCAPE, IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL WE COULD HAVE STRAIGHTFORWARD ACCESS TO THE BBC iPLAYER?
What if we make it a condition of our border negotiations, to wit, the Brits can do whatever the hell they like with Northern Ireland and the border, if we can just catch up with episodes of The Bodyguard whenever we want?
10. SHOULD WE RECONSIDER HOW WE SELECT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES?
Inviting all-comers, without any credentials or qualifications, to address county councils in order to find our first citizen seems a little barmy – it’s like the preliminary rounds of Ireland’s Got Talent that they don’t bother filming. If I were to decide tomorrow that I wanted to be the governor of the Central Bank or the manager of Manchester United, I doubt very much if I’d get an interview. Now maybe, before this seven-year circus comes to town again, we need to seriously think about that.