At 83, I feel out of touch with the modern world

DEAR BEL

AT 83 — and mentally able to cope with most things — I feel I am ‘losing it’ these days. I feel unable to communicate in the traditional way with younger generations in this rapidly changing world.

As a widowed mother, I tried hard to bring up my children to the best of my ability, then, as they became adults, the roles reversed, meaning they were able to help their parents by caring in different ways, especially in trying to understand and adjust to new technologies.

Are my expectations unreasonable that generations should be more aware and prepared to help one another to keep pace in this changing and challenging world?

I am aware there is help available in the community, but the basic need is for family members to keep in touch with older family members, enriching their lives and making them feel worth living.

But the internet is taking over from personal contact. Have you any ideas on improving the communication between generations? SUSAN

THIS letter will, I’m sure, resonate with many older readers uneasily aware that the world is leaving them behind, no matter what they’ve done to keep pace — you wrote an email after all.

Lord knows, I feel it myself sometimes, even though I’m outgoing and in touch with other generations.

Yet when I read about certain transgender issues, or illiberalism among students (you know the kind of thing), I find myself seething that the world is going mad. A sense of frustrated alienation is inevitable.

However, you are talking about family communication, so I’m wondering what has happened recently to make you feel this way.

You sound hurt and perhaps rather lonely while trying hard to disguise it. Are you feeling neglected by grandchildren who are forever on their wretched smartphones?

Are you feeling sad that their parents — your children — are not doing enough to maintain the family standards that were your norm?

If the answer is ‘Yes’, you have my sincere sympathy, although I’m not sure what can be done. One of my daughter’s favourite sayings is: ‘It is what it is.’ There is truth and wisdom in that modern cliche.

We may have to learn to accommodate our personal world, not change it, but that doesn’t mean we have to hide how we feel. If you feel neglected by the grandchildren, talk to your children and tell them honestly that you feel sidelined by everyone.

Tell them you understand that everybody is busier than ever and that the internet sucks up time and energy. But maybe a family Sunday lunch could happen regularly when no screens are allowed at the table.

Maybe the younger members of the family simply haven’t thought that they have the power to make somebody (you) happy.

As we age, it’s essential to realise that we have to take steps towards the young and their world, if we wish them to take steps towards us. We have to take an interest and listen.

You ask if your expectations are unreasonable and my answer is a resounding ‘No’. But don’t become a prisoner of those expectations.

If we think we are right all the time, the rest of the world will judge us (unfairly maybe) to be in the wrong.