BEL MOONEY

We never went to church — Just get on with work and sometimes things’ll hurt. But it’s hit me since you left us, and it’s so hard not to search. If you were still about, I’d ask you what I’m supposed to do now . . . NEVER WENT TO CHURCH (2006) BY MIKE SKINNER/THE STREETS, RAPPER

DEAR BEL

I’M in my late 30s. Two years ago, my husband of 12 years left me and our two children for another woman.

Devastated, I couldn’t see how I could live without him. When people said I’d meet somebody else, I couldn’t bear the thought. He was my life: I worshipped him, did everything at home, worked full-time, took the bulk of childcare. I suffered social anxiety, whereas he’s very outgoing — charming, funny, flirty — and he drinks too much. When he reached 40 he grew vain; I still carried baby weight. He lost interest in me and this made me depressed.

Two years on and I’m stronger and happier. I started a new job, made new friends, started keeping fit, lost weight, joined a running club to meet likeminded people — and my social anxiety is much improved.

People tell me I’m attractive and I get quite a bit of male attention. But here’s my problem. Although I’m ready to meet someone new, I’m having no luck. Pursued at work by a handsome guy, I discovered he was in a long-term relationship. We’d gone out a few times and shared a few kisses, but I realised he’d never leave his partner, so I stopped it. My parents have accused me of being ‘desperate’ for internet dating — and about five different dates were mostly unsuccessful.

One lasted two months. I thought he was lovely, but it ended when his ex moved back. He’d told me he was over her, but it wasn’t the full story. That was three months ago — I’ve not bothered online since.

A few weeks ago I met a nice man on a night out with friends. He sent me text messages asking me out. This went on for three weeks, we arranged a date, but he cancelled the day before.

I’m now thinking there are no men in my age group who are compatible, emotionally avail- able and don’t mind a woman having children. I’m OK with being single, but feel I’m missing out on so much that people in couples benefit from. It does get lonely and I’m still young, but meeting anyone decent seems impossible. Am I doing something wrong? MOIRA

CAN you hear me shouting: ‘No’? Listen hard and I’ll yell that word again.

You need to be told in no uncertain terms that you have done nothing wrong; on the contrary, the way you are rebuilding your life is worthy of admiration. Just think back to what you have achieved, woman! Now give yourself a short, sweet burst of Maya Angelou: ‘Just like moons and like suns/With the certainty of tides/Just like hopes springing high / Still I’ll rise.’ Yes, you very much will. But I have two pieces of advice. The first is about patience and the second about ‘people in couples’.

For 12 years, you accepted second place in a very unequal marriage. Subserviently, you ‘worshipped’ a man who was superficially charming in the eyes of the world, but manifestly unworthy of you.

He skipped off to somebody else, leaving you broken. But within two years you have glued yourself together into a new shape — something stronger and more beautiful.

You have been brave and proactive, qualities I’m always counselling women (married and single) to find within themselves in order to change their lives. Yes, you can — all of you! From being something of a mouse, you’ve transformed into a pedigree cat — springing forwards into a new life, while (I have no doubt at all) continuing to be a brilliant mother to those children.

Wow! That change took two years, so the thought of a new partner is fairly recent. But you must know it’s unlikely to happen quickly.

Yes, you carry baggage, in the form of a broken marriage and two children, but there are plenty of men who have no problem with that, some with similar histories. Countless people have found happiness second time around — and I bet you will be one of them. But not just yet. You’re still rebuilding your life and have two children at school (with all that implies), so just slow down a moment. As for that word ‘impossible’ you dared to use to me, I never accept it, so send back another bellow of ‘No!’ You neither have to ‘accept I’ll probably be single for ever’ or believe that life within a couple is always a ‘benefit’. You know quite well, it isn’t.

When you find yourself yearning to be in a couple, I’d consciously remember how you made your unfaithful husband your ‘life’ — then stand tall and remember how you have now made your own life.

As a woman who’s so recently discovered her own strength, I ask you to relish that for a bit longer and not scurry in search of a boyfriend.

You’re under 40 — and still rising! If you feel like internet dating again, do so. If not, forget it. Run fast towards as many new experiences as you can — but be glad you can run alone.

Now look in the mirror, just see how marvellous you are — and smile that some lucky man will discover it too, in time.