Proof the secret of a good sex life is... sleeping apart!

By world renowned sleep expert Professor MATTHEW WALKER (who swears by it himself)

W OULD you like to become better in bed, have a more vibrant sexual relationship and reduce tensions in your marriage?

The solution is probably not one you expect: stop sharing a bed with your partner. Scientific studies have shown that for a significant number of couples, agreeing to sleep apart may be one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

A recent poll showed that one in seven couples already recognises the benefits of sleeping apart, with 10% choosing to have separate rooms.

This seems wise, given that research from my own university, the University of California, Berkeley, has shown that one in ten relationships fails because of sleep problems. It’s a vicious circle; when your partner is not sleeping well neither do you — and vice versa.

Couples who have not slept well report significantly higher levels of emotional conflict the next day. In addition, couples who are not sleeping well become physically exhausted and fatigued, leading to less emotional and physical intimacy.

I’ve experienced this in my own relationship with my partner, a musician. I need a good eight hours’ sleep, while she needs at least nine.

We also have different routines; she used to go to bed about half an hour before me and then wake up half an hour after me. But we’re both light sleepers, and our different patterns meant we kept disturbing each other. Or, if one of us came out of a dream cycle (we each go through four or five of these a night), waking briefly and shifting in the bed, we might wake the other.

As a sleep scientist, I place great value on a good night’s rest. So we decided to have what I affectionately termed a ‘sleep divorce’, moving into separate rooms.

It’s worked out wonderfully; we both feel a lot more rested and our relationship is better in every way. Some people are shocked when they hear this. There is a real stigma about it, and many assume that if you’re not sleeping together locationwise, you’re not sleeping together intimately, sexually.

Surveys by sleep experts and from Ryerson University in Canada, have shown that about 45% of people who sleep in separate rooms won’t admit it in public because they feel ashamed or embarrassed.

But the very opposite is true; the data show that couples who sleep separately often have better sex lives.

After all, your desire to be intimate increases the more you sleep. Getting better and longer quality sleep raises testosterone levels, vital for both men’s and women’s sex drives.

I believe we must spread this message and fight the stigma surrounding sleeping in separate beds — for the good of our collective health, as well as our relationships.

I compare our understanding of sleep today to where we were with smoking 50 years ago; we knew all of the science regarding the consequences of smoking, but the public was not truly aware of it.

The science of sleep is now robust, but the message has yet to be fully communicated to the public, or to healthcare systems, governments, employers, teachers or medics.

Population studies across millions of people have shown us that sleep is an essential life support system; in simple terms, the shorter your sleep, the shorter your life.

We now know that many major diseases — Alzheimer’s disease, cancer, cardiovascular disease, stroke, diabetes, obesity, and even suicide — have links to insufficient sleep.

STUDIES have found that just one week of five to six hours of sleep a night can disrupt blood sugar levels to the point that your GP would classify you as pre-diabetic.

And after only one night of four hours’ sleep, there is a 70% drop in critical cancer-fighting immune cells called Natural Killer Cells.

An hour of lost sleep is enough to cause problems.

We know this because of a global experiment performed last month, on 1.6 billion people across 70 countries, called Daylight Savings Time.

In the spring, when we lose one hour of sleep, we see a 24% increase in heart attacks the following day.

Conversely, in the autumn, when we gain an hour of sleep, we see a 21% decrease in heart attacks.

Decades of studying sleep in lab settings have shown me that it is crucial to all aspects of life.

And yet in Ireland, adults sleep for just six hours and 49 minutes on average during the week, as opposed to the recommended seven to nine hours.

There are many reasons for this epidemic of sleep loss. People work longer hours, commute for longer,

which means waking up ever earlier and arriving home ever later. Technology is also a problem.

We need darkness to release a hormone called melatonin that helps regulate good sleep. Yet blue light emitted by phones and tablets blocks the release of melatonin.

And another major cause of sleep loss — and one of the easiest to remedy — is being disturbed by your partner in the night, or because they go to bed or get up at a different time to you.

Snoring is a big problem for many couples — sleep apnoea, pauses in breathing while asleep, is a common cause of snoring and often undiagnosed. If you or your partner snores loudly, you should see your GP right away.

Sleep apnoea is very dangerous and associated with stroke and heart failure, so aside from disrupting your and your partner’s sleep, it can kill.

Someone tossing and turning in bed, duvet cover ‘stealing’, or the need for different temperatures for comfortable sleep also feed into poor quality rest. Some couples may be able to solve their sleep issues by using two separate duvets, wearing ear-plugs and eyemasks, buying beds with two mattresses, or by placing single beds in the same room.

And, of course, plenty of couples are genuinely fine with co-sleeping, and do get enough sleep. This is not a one-size-fits-all approach.

What you need to ask yourself is: is your partner disrupting your sleep or vice versa? If so, it’s time to gently but honestly discuss moving down the hall.

What people tend to miss when sleeping separately is being with their partner just before they fall asleep, and upon awakening.

But you can still build this into your relationship, even if you don’t sleep together.

Have a routine before you go to bed at night, where you have a short cuddle, lie on the bed together and wind down. And in the morning, take the time to greet each other.

Surveys indicate that one in four couples currently sleep in separate locations, and of that remaining 75%, almost a third will go to bed in the same place but wake up in separate beds.

It’s time for us to voice these truths, for the good of society’s collective sleep — and consequently, our health.

WHY We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams by Matthew Walker (Penguin, €11.99). Matthew Walker is Professor of neuroscience and psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, and founder of the Center for Human Sleep Science.