My son’s become a monk, so I can’t even hug him!

DEAR BEL I HAVE five children — four boys, one girl. My difficult childhood fuelled my aim to make my children feel as safe as they should inside a close family home.

I’ve always been a very spiritual person and they used to laugh at me because of that. My youngest boy (always an ‘old soul’) went to do postgraduate study in Bangkok, then worked offshore there, with an apartment in the city.

My twin boys were always very close. Fast forward to today and they are now 31 and both have spent time as lay people at temples in northern Thailand, enjoying meditation and a simple life. I loved them for it.

The older twin has met a beautiful Vietnamese girl, the love of his life. They have just married. But the younger twin has decided to become a Buddhist monk.

This decision has left me heartbroken. I understand it from the spiritual side but I am struggling with the actual fact of what it means.

You see, he has to detach from his family and although I can visit him he is not allowed to touch women because it would be a sin to hug me.

His sister and father are really struggling to accept this change in his life — as am I. It is impossible not to feel that I’m losing him. Please help me to find peace with this. ALICE

R EADERS may regard your interesting problem as unusual — yet at its heart are questions that affect most parents: how to accept your children’s choices and how to let them go.

There is no easy way to accept the fact that raising children inevitably involves sacrifice and loss. Before people accuse me of being depressing, let me stress my belief that self-sacrifice is one of the greatest aspects of parenthood and that loss can be a step on the path to gaining growth.

I was touched by the pride in your aim ‘to make my children feel as safe as they should inside a close family home’.

You wanted your five to have a better childhood than you did — and I’m sure you succeeded triumphantly. How else would your twin boys have learnt the confidence to travel and try new things?

At the same time, I remind us all that no parent can guarantee keeping their family ‘safe’ — because the world will always intrude.

We cannot insulate our children from pain (physical or mental); all we can do is try to help them develop the strength to deal with it.

If parents try to protect their offspring too much (and so much mollycoddling goes on nowadays) they may find the overindulged young develop traits ‘sharper than a serpent’s tooth’.

You say you were ‘very spiritual’ — and even if your family mocked that tendency (oh, how kids tease!) I bet you created a rich, open-minded atmosphere.

A mother who shows how much more there is to life than getting and spending is to be cherished. But I suspect you’re thinking that somehow it’s your ‘fault’ that both your sons were drawn towards the Buddhist way of life.

All I can say is that although I totally sympathise with your feeling of sadness, there are far, far worse paths they could have chosen.

Your younger twin had all the trappings of success in Bangkok, yet is choosing to give it all up to become a monk. That proves the sincerity of his calling.

Your spiritual side understands, but the mum is heartbroken. Of course.

Nothing I can say will make you feel better about being caught between those two emotions.

Perhaps the ‘answer’ is to see this as a key stage on your own path to Enlightenment — just as all parents can learn to cope with the disappointments their children may bring by striving to make sense of what has happened.

By so doing, they can truly recognise their offspring for the first time, as separate souls, rather than offshoots of ourselves.

I feel for the struggle of your husband and daughter — and yet it might help you if you can convince yourself you are the only person who can help them. You have to show what Buddhists call ‘the way’.

The simple truth is that they have no choice but to accept his decision. Behaviour has consequences — this is what karma means. So if they fail to understand, then the loss of him will become absolute.

None of you want that, therefore you have to support each other — with the certain knowledge that those devastated parents who have lost a beloved son or daughter to death will be asking you to acknowledge that you are indeed blessed.

You have your other children and one day there may be grandchildren.

Every day of your life you will know this other son is alive, happy and as safe as you always wanted — although in another home.

If his calling seems to remove him from the family, remember that it cannot do that because he is a part of you and you of him.

The link is unbreakable. You can travel to see him, slowly get used to not hugging him — and embrace him in your heart.

I suggest you set up a little Buddhist shrine at home, make sure the flowers are fresh, light a candle each evening and let your ever-present love, spoken aloud, bring peace.