What can I do about my lazy, grubby partner?
DEAR BEL
MY PARTNER is an embarrassment because of one particular issue — his personal hygiene and appearance.
I am retired, am 67 years old and have been in a contented relationship with my 69-year-old partner for the past seven years. We have a great life with a holiday home abroad, we are financially sound and both enjoy good health.
However, he’s totally oblivious to his own cleanliness and general appearance — to the point where I have considered leaving him.
I’m not just talking about scruffiness. Many women may wish their partners would smarten up. But in my case I have to put up with him not washing, not cleaning teeth, filthy nails, body and mouth odour, greasy hair — the works!
I have tried every approach, explaining that his lack of personal care is putting me off. I run baths, buy him deodorant, shower gel, even toothpaste, but hardly any is used. He has now lost his bottom teeth through lack of care.
Our friends notice and have even told me that once they had to fumigate their car after giving him a lift!
It may just be laziness, but it is driving me to distraction. In all other respects he is an intelligent, kind, balanced individual. Passion was never a big part of our relationship, which suits us both, so denying him my body would have no impact. Frankly, I’m put off anyway.
He cares little for outward appearance and I can respect that to some extent, but he repulses me at times. So you’d think I would leave, but everything else about our life and relationship together is really good. However I try to broach the subject, he refuses to respond and reacts as if I am just getting at him. DOREEN
OH DEAR, I read your email with mounting horror and felt queasy by the end. This problem would be a dealbreaker for me. I simply would not be seen in public with any man who looked scruffy — never mind dirty. I bet most people reading this will think it disgusting not to take care of yourself to the shocking extent you describe. Who wants to live with a dirty person?
You write: ‘He cares little for outward appearance and I can respect that to some extent’ — but why should such contempt for the feelings of others be presented (as it sounds) as something virtuous?
What is he — some head-in-theclouds philosopher trying to emulate St John the Baptist in the wilderness? Does he think himself better than those of us who clean our teeth?
Freud used the general appearance of his patients as a means of diagnosis: ‘Every change in the customary attire, every little negligence such as an unfastened button . . . means to express something the wearer of the apparel does not wish to say directly; usually he is entirely unconscious of it.’
Surely this means that the person who turns up at your Christmas party wearing a grubby old T-shirt is waving two fingers at all your careful preparations?
Those who think trainers and jeans appropriate for a beautiful theatre are saying they don’t care about the splendour of the surroundings, or the conventions of dressing up to go out. Which in turn makes a silent, insufferably superior judgment on those who do care.
That’s their right, I suppose, but as the psychotherapist Rollo May said: ‘Slovenliness of dress, the need of a haircut, broken shoelaces and so on tell us things the meaning of which no one can mistake . . . a habitual lack of care for one’s appearance indicates a general lack of interest in other people.’
Why should it be thought remotely respectful to stink out the car of somebody kind enough to give you a lift?
People with mental health or drug problems often neglect personal hygiene, and it’s sometimes hard for those with physical disabilities to maintain standards they would wish. Homeless people can’t always keep clean. But your partner has no excuse.
Your account of his neglect gives the lie to your description ‘intelligent, kind, balanced’.
How is it ‘intelligent’ to lose your teeth? How is it ‘kind’ to despise the wishes of your partner? How is it ‘balanced’ to enjoy every privilege in life yet present an affront to civilised society?
I’m afraid I can’t understand — that’s why I’m failing to extend habitual fairness. Frankly, I’d rather be alone than hang out with somebody like that and to hell with the holiday home. You have tried to make him change, you’ve spent your money to help him and been ignored. When you tell him what you think, he treats you as a nag. It’s outrageous!
What conclusion can one draw but that he is totally indifferent to you — the person he’s supposed to love?
You know it in your heart and have made excuses for too long. Personal cleanliness and standards of dress are not about vanity, but an essential part of how we interact with the world around us. To ignore them wilfully is to state that you don’t give a damn about the people you meet or the ones who love you. That’s lazy and unpleasant.
Personally, I’d give this man an ultimatum — wash or leave. And I would consign his horrible clothes, down to the grey underpants, to bin bags.
If you don’t act now, you will hate him, and yourself, in ten years’ time, when he has been allowed (with your collusion) to isolate you because he reeks.
BEL MOONEY What keeps you going isn’t some fine decision but just the road you’re on, and the fact that you know how to drive. You keep your eyes open . . . and you ask yourself: “What life can I live ?” FROM ANIMAL DREAMS BY BARBARA KINGSOLVER (AMERICAN NOVELIST, BORN 1955)