Our daughter’s turned into an irresponsible mum

DEAR BEL MY THIRTY-SOMETHING daughter has lived with us — with her two children — for the past three years. It would be fair to say she was a fantastic mother.

But around a year ago she met a man she puts before her children, who appear to be getting in the way of her fun. I made the mistake of encouraging her to stay out one whole weekend.

She now stays at his home from Friday to Monday morning, returning to take the children to school. She puts them to bed from Monday to Thursday and then goes to his house again, coming home early the following morning. As I write, she’s just left our home and is off to Mexico with him for two weeks.

My husband and I have been left with the children and have to take care of them for the next fortnight as well as work full-time. What angers me more than anything is that she didn’t consult us and we are now left to get on with it.

We have had enough but are conscious that there is a seven and ten year old in the middle of all this. I might add they don’t like the boyfriend. Do you have any advice? EMMA

AFTER today’s lead letter made me angry, reading yours finished me off. You have my sympathy — and most right-minded people will consider your daughter’s behaviour intolerably, unbelievably selfish. Most grandparents are used (perhaps) to being taken a little for granted, although luckily I’m not. My daughter and daughter-in-law are careful to ask about any childcare well in advance. But the situation you describe is something else.

One thing puzzles me. You write: ‘She didn’t consult us and we are now left to get on with it.’ But I don’t understand why you didn’t realise she was packing a case for a twoweek holiday. If she did, indeed, depart on her jaunt with no notice at all, behind your back, that is a massive, unforgivable act of dishonesty and disrespect — and she cannot be allowed to get away with it.

You are the only stability in the lives of those poor children so you’re quite right: it’s vital to tread carefully. Yet you have to ask yourself whether your daughter’s new passion will ultimately damage them.

It probably has already because a mother who suddenly absents herself for two weeks, leaving clearly stressed, tired grandparents (even though you may hide it well, children pick up on these things), must inflict a sense of abandonment.

What if one becomes ill and wakes in the night, crying for Mum?

If you are worried, especially as they have told you they don’t like the boyfriend, it is time to confront your self-centred, irresponsible daughter. Why not book some weekends away, saying you can do only one weekend of childcare a month?

And (dare I ask?) do these poor children have a father? If so, why isn’t he involved?

You must be afraid she could walk out and take the children, but would the boyfriend want them? Surely that’s a gamble you have to take?

If I were you, I’d tell her you’re going out with friends, so she has to stay in. Then double back when the kids are asleep and tell her enough is enough, for the sake of the children and the exploited grandparents.